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BILL NYE'S 

History of England 



A 



FROM THE DRUIDS TO 

THE REIGN OF 

HENRY VIII 

ILLUSTRATED BY 

W. M. GOODES AND A. M. RICHARDS 




PHILADELPHIA ^\ I J 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 

MDCCCXCVI 



-a*- 



N 



A 



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Copyright, 1896, 

BY 

J. B. LippiNCOTT Company. 



Electhotyped and Pbinted by J. B. LippiNcoTT Company, Philadelphia, U.S.A. 



PREFACE. 

THE readers of this volume will share our 
regret that the preface cannot be written 
by Mr. Nye, who would have introduced his 
volume with a characteristically appropriate and 
humorous foreword in perfect harmony with the 
succeeding narrative. 

We need only say that this work is in the au- 
thor's best vein, and will prove not only amusing, 
but instructive as well ; for the events, succes- 
sions, dates, etc., are correct, and the trend of 
actual facts is adhered to. Of course, these facts 
are "embellished," as Mr. Nye would say, by his 
fancy, and the leading historical characters are 
made to play in fantastic roles. Underneath all, 
however, a shrewd knowledge of human nature 
is betrayed, which unmasks motives and reveals 
the true inwardness of men and events with a 
humorous fidelity. 

The unfortunate illness to which Mr. Nye 

finally succumbed prevented the completion of 

his history beyond the marriage of Henry VIII, 

to Anne Boleyn. 

5 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

FAGB 

Invasion of Cesar: The Discovery of Tin and Consequent 

Enlightenment of Britain 13 



CHAPTER II. 
The Various Roman Yokes: their Growth, Degeneration, 
AND Final Elimination 23 

CHAPTER III. 

The Advent of the Angles: Causes which led to the 

Rehabilitation of Britain on New Lines 32 

CHAPTER IV. 

The Influx of the Danes : Facts showing conclusively 

their Influence on the Briton of To-Day 42 

CHAPTER V. 

The Troublous Middle Ages : Demonstrating a Short 

Reign for Those who travel at a Royal Gait ... 50 

CHAPTER VI. 
The Danish Oligarchy: Disaffections attending Chronic 

Usurpation Proclivities 59 



8 TABLE OF CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER VII. 

PAGE 

Other Disagreeable Claimants: Foreign Foibles intro- 
duced, ONLY TO BE EXPUNGED WITH CHARACTERISTIC PUG- 
NACITY 68 

CHAPTER VIII. 
The Norman Conquest : Complex Commingling of Facetious 

Accord and Implacable Discord 80 

CHAPTER IX. 

The Feudal System : Successful Inauguration of Homoge- 
neal Methods for restricting Incompatible Dema- 
gogues 91 

CHAPTER X. 

The Age of Chivalry : Light Dissertation on the Knights- 
Errant, Maids, Fools, Prelates, and other Notorious 
Characters of that Period 99 

CHAPTER XL 
Conquest of Ireland: Uncomfortable Effects following 

the Cultivation of an Acquisitorial Propensity ... 113 

CHAPTER XII. 

Magna Charta introduced : Slight Difficulties encoun- 
tered IN overcoming an Unpopular and Unreasonable 
Prejudice 123 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Further Disagreements recorded: Illustrating the 
Amiability of the Jew and the Perversity of the 
Scot 133 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 9 

CHAPTER XIV. 

PAGE 

Irritability of the French : Interminable Dissension, as- 
sisted BY THE Plague, continues reducing the Popula- 
tion , 141 

CHAPTER XV. 
More Sanguinary Triumphs: Onward March of Civiliza- 
tion Graphically delineated with the Historian's 
Usual Completeness 152 

CHAPTER XVI. 
Unpleasant Caprices of Royalty: Introduction of Print- 
ing AS A Subsidiary Aid in the Progress of Emanci- 
pation 165 

CHAPTER XVII. 
Biography of Richard III. : Being an Allegorical Pane- 
gyric OF the Incontrovertible Machinations of an 
Egotistical Usurper 174 

CHAPTER XVIII. 
Disorder Still the Popular Fad: General Admixture of 
Pretenders, Religion, Politics, and Disgruntled Mon- 
archs 182 

Appendix 195 



CHAPTER I. 



INVASION OF C^SAR : THE DISCOVERY OF TIN AND 
CONSEQUENT ENLIGHTENMENT OF BRITAIN. 

FROM the glad whinny 
of the first unicorn 
down to the tip end 
of the nineteenth century, 
the history of Great Britain 
has been dear to her de- 
scendants in every land, 
'neath every sky. 

But to write a truthful and 
honest history of any coun- 
try the historian should, that 
he may avoid overpraise and 
silly and mawkish sentiment, reside in a foreign 
country, or be so situated that he may put on a 
false moustache and get away as soon as the 
advance copies have been sent to the printers. 

The writer of these pages, though of British 
descent, will, in what he may say, guard carefully 
against permitting that fact to swerve him for one 
swift moment from the right. 

England even before Christ, as now, was a sort 
of money centre, and thither came the Phoenicians 
and the Carthaginians for their tin. 

2 13 




BUST OF C/BSAR. 



INVASION OF C^SAR. 



15 



These early Britons were suitable only to act 
as ancestors. Aside from that, they had no good 
points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with 
straw. They had no currency and no ventilation, 
— no drafts, in other words. Their boats were 




C^SAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL. 



made of wicker-work plastered with clay. Their 
swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, 
and after a brief skirmish, the entire army had 
to fall back and straighten its blades. 

They also had short spears made with a raw- 
hide string attached, so that the deadly weapon 
could be jerked back again. To spear an enemy 



i6 



HISTOR V OF ENGLAND. 




C^SAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS. 



with one of these harpoons, and then, after playing 
him for half an hour or so, to land him and finish 
him up with a tin sword, constituted one of the 
most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people. 

Csesar first came to Great Britain on account 
of a bilious attack. On the way across the chan- 
nel a violent storm came up. The great emperor 
and pantata believed he was drowning, so that in 
an instant's time everything throughout his whole 
lifetime recurred to him as he went down, — es- 
pecially his breakfast. 

Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, 
and much improved in health, he returned to 
Rome. 

Agriculture had a pretty hard start among 



INVASION OF C^SAR. 



17 



these people, and where now the glorious (fields 
of splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be 
seen interspersed with every kind of domestic 
and imported fertilizer in cunning little hillocks 
just bursting forth into fragrance by the roadside, 
then the vast island was a quaking swamp or 
covered by impervious forests of gigantic trees, 
up which with coarse and shameless glee would 
scamper the nobility. 

(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and 
then drop as the plot develops. — Author.) 

Caesar later on made more invasions : one of 
them for the purpose of returning his team and 
flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed re- 
ligiously on a former trip. (He had also bought 
his team of the Druid.) 

The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, 
chiefs of police, plumbers, 



and justices of the peace 




PLOUGHING 51 B.C. 

2* 



i8 



HISTOR V OF ENGLAND. 



They practically ran the place, and no one could 
be a Druid who could not pass a civil service 
examination. 

They believed in human sacrifice, and often of 
a bright spring morning could have been seen 




DRUID SACRIFICES. 



going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one 
who disagreed with them on some religious point 
or other. 

The Druids largely lived in the woods in sum- 
mer and in debt during the winter. They wor- 
shipped almost everything that had been left out 



INVASION OF C^SAR. 



19 



overnight, and their motto was, ** Never do any- 
thing unless you feel like it very much indeed." 

Csesar was a broad man 
from a religious point of 
view, and favored bringing 
the Druids before the grand 
j ury. For uttering such sen- 
timents as these the Druids 
declared his life to be for- 
feit, and set one of their 
number to settle also with 
him after morning services 
the question as to the mat- 
ter of immersion and sound 
money. 

Religious questions were 
even then as hotly discussed 
as in later times, and Csesar 
could not enjoy society very 
much for five or six days. 

At Stonehenge there are 
still relics of a stone temple 
which the Druids used as a 
place of idolatrous worship 

and assassination. On Giblet Day people came 
for many miles to see the exercises and carry 
home a few cutlets of intimate friends. 

After this Rome sent over various great Fed- 
eral appointees to soften and refine the people. 




MONUMENT OF AGRICULTURE, OR 
SCARECROW. 



20 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 




AGRICOLA ENCOURAGES AGRICULTURE. 



Among them came General Agricola 
with a new kind of seed-corn and 
kindness in his heart. 

He taught the bare- 
footed Briton to go out 
to the pump every even- 
ing and bathe his chapped 
and soil-kissed feet and 
wipe them on the grass 
before retiring, thus in- 
troducing one of the re- 
finements of Rome in this 
cold and barbaric clime. 

Along about the be- 
ginning of the Christian 
"Erie," says an elderly Englishman, the Queen 
Boadicea got so disgusted with the Romans who 
carried on there in England just as they had been 
in the habit of doing at home, — cutting up like a 
hallowe'en party in its junior year, — that she got 
her Britons together, had a steel dress made to 
fight in comfortably and not tight under the arms, 
then she said, " Is there any one here who hath a 
culverin with him?" One was soon found and 
fired. This by the Romans was regarded as an 
opening of hostilities. Her fire was returned 
with great eagerness, and victory was won in the 
city of London over the Romans, who had taunted 
the queen several times with being seven years 



INVASION OF CjESAR. 



21 



behind the beginning of the Christian Era in the 
matter of clothes. 

Boadicea won victories by the score, and it is 
said that under the besom of her wrath seventy 
thousand Roman warriors kissed the dust. As 




ROMAN COAT OF ARMS. 



she waved her sceptre in token of victory the 
hat-pin came out of her crown, and wildly throw- 
ing the " old hot thing" at the Roman general, 
she missed him and unhorsed her own chaperon. 

Disgusted with war and the cooking they were 
having at the time, she burst into tears just on 



22 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



the eve of a general victory over the Romans and 
poisoned herself. 




DEATH OF BOADICEA. 



N.B. — Many thanks are due to the author, Mr. A. Barber, for the use 
of his works entitled " Half-Hours with Crowned Heads" and " Thoughts 
on Shaving Dead People on Whom One Has Never Called," cloth, gilt top. 

I notice an error in the artist's work which will be apparent to any one 
of moderate intelligence, and especially to the Englishman, — viz., that the 
tin discovered by the Phcenicians is in the form of cans, etc., formerly hav- 
ing contained tinned meats, fruits, etc. This book, I fear, will be sharply 
criticised in England if any inaccuracy be permitted to creep in, even 
through the illustrations. It is disagreeable to fall out thus early with 
one's artist, but the writer knows too well, and the sting yet burns and 
rankles in his soul where pierced the poisoned dart of an English clergy- 
man two years ago. The writer had spoken of Julius Caesar's invasion of 
Britain for the purpose of replenishing the Roman stock of umbrellas, top- 
coats, and " loydies," when the clergyman said, politely but very firmly, 
" that England then had no top-coats or umbrellas." The writer would 
not have cared, had there not been others present. 



CHAPTER 11. 

THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES : THEIR GROWTH, DEGEN- 
ERATION, AND FINAL ELIMINATION. 

AGRICOLA no doubt made the Roman yoke 
easier upon the necks of the conquered 
people, and suggested the rotation of 
crops. He also invaded Caledonia and captured 
quite a number of Scotchmen, whom he took 
home and domesticated. 

Afterwards, in 121 a.d,, the emperor Hadrian 
was compelled to build a wall to keep out the 
still unconquered Caledonians. This is called 
the " Picts' Wall," and a portion of it still exists. 
Later, in 208 a.d., Severus built a solid wall of 
stone along this line, and for seventy years there 
was peace between the two nations. 

Towards the end of the third century Carau- 
sius, who was appointed to the thankless task 
of destroying the Saxon pirates, shook off his 
allegiance to the emperor Diocletian, joined the 
pirates and turned out Diocletian, usurping the 
business management of Britain for some years. 
But, alas ! he was soon assassinated by one of 

23 



24 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 




ASSASSINATION OF CARAUSIUS. 



his own officers before he 
could call for help, and the 
assassin succeeded him. In 
those days assassination and 
Inauguration seemed to go 
hand-in-hand. 

After Constantius, who 
died 306 A.D., came Con- 
stantine the Great, his son 
by a British princess. 

Under Constantine 
peace again reigned, but 
the Irish, who desired to 
free Ireland even if they 
had to go abroad and 
neglect their business for that purpose, used to 
invade Constantine' s territory, getting him up 
at all hours of the night and demanding that he 
should free Ireland, 

These men were then called Picts, hence the 
expression "picked men." They annoyed Con- 
stantine by coming over and trying to introduce 
Home Rule into the home of the total stranger. 

The Scots also made turbulent times by harass- 
ing Constantine and seeking to introduce their 
ultra-religious belief at the muzzle of the cross- 
gun. 

Trouble now came in the latter part of the 
fourth century a.d., caused by the return of the 



THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES. 

regular Roman 
army, which 
went back to 
Rome to de- 
fend the Im- 
perial City 
from the Goths 
who sought to 
"stable their 
stock in the 
palace of the Csesars," 
as the historian so tersely puts it. 

In 418 A.D., the Roman forces 
came up to London for the summer, 
and repelled the Scots and Picts, 
but soon returned to Rome, leav- 
ing the provincial people of London 
with disdain. Many of the Roman 
officers while in Britain had their 
clothes made in Rome, and some 
even had their linen returned every 
thirty days and washed in the Tiber. 

In 446 A.D., the Britons were ex- 
tremely unhappy. 
"The barba- 
rians throw 
us into the 
sea and the 
sea returns 





THE PICTS INCULCATING HOME RULE PRINCIPLES. 



26 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 




IRRITABILITY OF THE BARBARIA1«. 



THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES. 



27 



the Britons formed an alliance with Hengist and 
Horsa, two Saxon travelling men who, in 449 a.d., 
landed on the island of Thanet, and thus ended 
the Roman dominion over Britain. 




LANDING OF HENGIST AND HORSA. 



The Saxons were at that time a coarse people. 
They did not allow etiquette to interfere with 
their methods of taking refreshment, and, though 
it pains the historian at all times to speak unkindly 
of his ancestors who have now passed on to their 
reward, he is compelled to admit that as a people 
the Saxons m.ay be truly characterized as a great 
National Appetite. 

During the palmy days when Rome superin- 



28 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



tended the collecting of customs and regulated 
the formation of corporations, the mining and 




DISCOMFORTS OF THE EARLY LABOR AGITATOR. 



smelting of iron were extensively carried on and 
the "walking delegate" was invented. The ac- 
companying illustration shows an ancient strike. 



THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES. 29 

Rome no doubt did much for England, for at 
that time the Imperial City had 384 streets, 56,567 
palaces, 80 golden statues, 2785 bronze statues 
of former emperors and officers, 41 theatres, 
2291 prisons, and 2300 perfumery stores. She 
was in the full flood of her prosperity, and had 
about 4,000,000 inhabitants. 

In those days a Roman Senator could not live 
on less than ^80,000 per year, and Marcus An- 
tonius, who owed $1,500,000 on his inaugural, 
March 15, paid it up March 17, and afterwards 
cleared $720,000,000. This he did by the strict- 
est economy, which he managed to have attended 
to by the peasantry. 

Even a literary man in Rome could amass 
property, and Seneca died worth $12,000,000. 
Those were the flush times in Rome, and Eng- 
land no doubt was greatly benefited thereby ; 
but, alas! "money matters became scarce," and 
the poor Briton was forced to associate with the 
delirium tremens and massive digestion of the 
Saxon, who floated in a vast ocean of lard and 
wassail during his waking hours and slept with 
the cunning little piglets at night. His earthen 
floors were carpeted with straw and frescoed with 
bones. 

Let us not swell with pride as we refer to our 
ancestors, whose lives were marked by an eternal 
combat between malignant alcoholism and trichi- 



THE VARIOUS ROMAN YOKES. 3 1 

nosis. Many a Saxon would have filled a drunk- 
ard's grave, but wabbled so in his gait that he 
walked past it and missed it. 

To drink from the skulls of their dead enemies 
was a part of their religion, and there were^o 
heretics among them.* 

Christianity was introduced into Britain during 
the second century, and later under Diocletian 
the Christians were greatly persecuted. Chris- 
tianity did not come from Rome, it is said, but 
from Gaul. Among the martyrs in those early 
days was St. Alban, who had been converted by 
a fugitive priest. The story of his life and death 
is familiar. 

The Bible had been translated, and in 314 a.d. 
Britain had three Bishops, viz., of London, Lin- 
coln, and York. 



* The artist has very ably shown here a devoted little band of Saxons 
holding services in a basement. In referring to it as " abasement," not 
the slightest idea of casting contumely or obloquy on our ancestors is 
intended by the humble writer of pungent but sometimes unpalatable 
truth. 



CHAPTER III. 

THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES I CAUSES WHICH LED TO 
THE REHABILITATION OF BRITAIN ON NEW LINES. 

WITH the landing of Hengist and Horsa 
English history really begins, for Csesar's 
capture of the British Isles was of slight 
importance viewed in the light of fast-receding 
centuries. There is little to-day in the English 
character to remind one of Caesar, who was a 
volatile and epileptic emperor with massive and 
complicated features. 

The rich warm blood of the Roman does not 
mantle in the cheek of the Englishman of the 
present century to any marked degree. The 
Englishman, aping the reserve and hauteur of 
Boston, Massachusetts, is, in fact, the diametrical 
antipode of the impulsive, warm-hearted, and 
garlic-imbued Roman who revels in assassination 
and gold ear-bobs. 

The beautiful daughter of Hengist formed an 
alliance with Vortigern, the royal foreman of 
Great Britain, — a plain man who was very pop- 
ular in the alcoholic set and generally subject to 
32 



THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES. 



33 



violent lucid intervals which lasted until after 
breakfast ; but the Saxons broke these up, it is 
said, and Rowena encouraged him in his efforts 
to become his own worst enemy, and after two or 
three patent-pails-full of wassail would get him 
to give her another county or two, until soon the 




ROWENA CAPTIVATES VORTIGERN. 



Briton saw that the Saxon had a mortgage on 
the throne, and after it was too late, he said that 
immigration should have been restricted. 

Kent became the first Saxon kingdom, and 
remained a powerful state for over a century. 

More Saxons now came, and brought with them 
yet other Saxons with yet more children, dogs, 



34 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



vodka, and thirst. The breath of a Saxon in a 
cucumber-patch would make a peck of pickles 
per moment. 

The Angles now came also and registered at 
the leading hotels. They were destined to intro- 
duce the hyphen on English soil, and plant the 
orchards on whose ancestral branches should 
ultimately hang the Anglo-Saxon race, the pro- 
genitors of the eminent aristocracy of America. 

Let the haughty, purse-proud American — in 
whose warm life current one may trace the un- 
mistakable strains of bichloride of gold and 
trichinae — pause for one moment to gaze at the 
coarse features and bloodshot eyes of his ances- 




ETHELBEKT, KING OF KENT, PROCLAIMED " BRETWALDA. 



THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES. 



35 




AUGUSTINli KINDLY RECElVtD BY ETHELBERT, KING OF KENT. 



tors, who sat up at nights drenching their souls in 
a style of nepenthe that it is said would remove 
moths, tan, freckles, and political disabilities. 

The seven states known as the Saxon Hep- 
tarchy were formed in the sixth and seventh cen- 
turies, and the rulers of these states were called 
" Bretwaldas," or Britain-wielders, Ethelbert, 
King of Kent, was Bretwalda for fifty years, and 
liked it first-rate. 

A very good picture is given here showing the 
coronation of Ethelbert, copied from an old tin- 
type now in the possession of an aged and some- 
what childish family in Philadelphia who descended 



36 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

from Ethelbert and have made no effort to con- 
ceal it. 

Here also the artist has shown us a graphic 
picture of Ethelbert supported by his celebrated 
ingrowing moustache receiving Augustine, They 
both seem pleased to form each other's ac- 
quaintance, and the greeting is a specially 
appetizing one to the true lover of Art for Art's 
sake. 

For over one hundred and fifty years the British 
made a stubborn resistance to the encroachments 
of these coarse people, but it was ineffectual. 
Their prowess, along with a massive appetite and 
other hand baggage, soon overran the land of 
Albion. Everywhere the rude warriors of north- 
ern Europe wiped the dressing from their coarse 
red whiskers on the snowy table-cloth of the 
Briton. 

In West Wales, or Dumnonia, was the home 
of King Arthur, so justly celebrated in song and 
story. Arthur was more interesting to the poet 
than the historian, and probably as a champion 
of human rights and a higher civilization should 
stand in that great galaxy occupied by Santa 
Claus and Jack the Giant-Killer. 

The Danes or Jutes joined the Angles also 
at this time, and with the Saxons spread terror, 
anarchy, and common drunks all over Albion. 
Those who still claim that the Angles were right 



38 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

Angles are certainly ignorant of English history. 
They were obtuse Angles, and when bedtime 
came and they tried to walk a crack, the historian, 
in a spirit of mischief, exclaims that they were 
mostly a pack of Isosceles Try Angles, but this 
doubtless is mere badinage. 

They were all savages, and their religion was 
entirely unfit for publication. Socially they were 
coarse and repulsive. Slaves did the housework, 
and serfs each morning changed the straw bed- 
ding of the lord and drove the pigs out of the 
boudoir. The pig was the great social middle 
class between the serf and the nobility : for the 
serf slept with the pig by day, and the pig slept 
with the nobility at night. 

And yet they were courageous to a degree (the 
Saxons, not the pigs). They were fearless navi- 
gators and reckless warriors. Armed with their 
rude meat-axes and one or two Excalibars, they 
would take something in the way of a tonic and 
march right up to the mouth of the great Thomas 
catapult, or fall in the moat with a courage that 
knew not, recked not of danger. 

Christianity was first preached in Great Britain 
in 597 A.D., at the suggestion of Gregory, after- 
wards Pope, who by chance saw some Anglican 
youths exposed for sale in Rome. They were 
fine-looking fellows, and the good man pitied their 
benighted land. Thus the Roman religion was 



THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES. 39 

introduced into England, and was first to turn the 
savage heart towards God. 

Augustine was very kindly received by Ethel- 
bert, and invited up to the house. Augustine 
met with great success, for the king experienced 
religion and was baptized, after which many of 




EGBERT GAINS A GREAT VICTORY OVER THE FIERCE INVADERS. 

his subjects repented and accepted salvation on 
learning that it was free. As many as ten thou- 
sand in one day were converted, and Augustine 
was made Archbishop of Canterbury. On a 
small island in the Thames he built a church 
dedicated to St. Peter, where now is Westminster 
Abbey, a prosperous sanctuary entirely out of 
debt. 



40 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

The history of the Heptarchy is one of murder, 
arson, rapine, assault and battery, breach of the 
peace, petty larceny, and the embezzlement of 
the enemy's wife. 

In 827, Egbert, King of Wessex and Duke of 
Shandygaff, conquered all his foes and became 
absolute ruler of England (Land of the Angles). 
Taking charge of this angular kingdom, he estab- 
lished thus the mighty country which now rules 
the world in some respects, and which is so 
greatly improved socially since those days. 

Two distinguished scholars flourished in the 
eighth century, Bede and Alcuin. They at once 
attracted attention by being able to read coarse 
print at sight. Bede wrote the Ecclesiastical 
History of the Angles. It is out of print now. 
Alcuin was a native of York, and with the aid of 
a lump of chalk and the side of a vacant barn 
could figure up things and add like everything. 
Students flocked to him from all over the coun- 
try, and matriculated by the dozen. If he took 
a fancy to a student, he would take him away 
privately and show him how to read. 

The first literary man of note was a monk of 
Whitby named Caedmon, who wrote poems on 
biblical subjects when he did not have to monk. 
His works were greatly like those of Milton, and 
especially like " Paradise Lost," it is said. 

Gildas was the first historian of Britain, and the 



THE ADVENT OF THE ANGLES. 



41 



scathing remarks made about his fellow-country- 
men have never been approached by the most 
merciless of modern historians. 

The book was highly interesting, and it is a 
wonder that some enterprising American pub- 
lisher has not appropriated it, as the author is 
now extremely dead. 




A DISCIPLE OF THE LIQUID RELIGION PRACTISED 
BY THE SAXON. 



CHAPTER IV. 

THE INFLUX OF THE DANES : FACTS SHOWING CON- 
CLUSIVELY THEIR INFLUENCE ON THE BRITON 
OF TO-DAY. 

AND now, having led the eager student up to 
the year 827 a.d,, let us take him forward 
from the foundation of the English mon- 
archy to the days of William the Conqueror, 1066. 

Egbert, one of the kings of Wessex, reigned 
practically over Roman Britain when the country 
was invaded by the Northmen (Swedes, Nor- 
wegians, and Danes), who treated the Anglo- 
Saxon as the Anglo-Saxon had formerly treated 
the poor Briton. 

These Northmen were rather coarse people, 
and, even put the Anglo-Saxons to the blush 
sometimes. They exercised vigorously, and thus 
their appetites were sharp enough to cut a hair. 
They at first came in the capacity of pirates, — 
sliding stealthily into isolated coast settlements 
on Saturday evening and eating up the Sunday 
victuals, capturing the girls of the Bible-class and 
sailing away. But later they came as conquerors, 

and boarded with the peasantry permanently. 

42 



THE INFLUX OF THE DANES. 43 

Egbert formed an alliance with his old enemies, 
the Welsh, and gained a great victory over the 
Northmen ; but when he died and left Ethelwolf, 
his son, in charge of the throne, he made a great 
mistake. Ethelwolf was a poor king, "being 
given more to religious exercises than reigning," 
says the historian. He would often exhibit his 
piety in order to draw attention away from His 
Royal Incompetency. He was not the first or 
last to smother the call to duty under the cry of 
Hallelujah. Like the little steamer engine with 
the big whistle, when he whistled the boat 
stopped. He did not have a boiler big enough 
to push the great ship of state and shout Amen 
at the same time. 

Ethelwolf defeated the enemy in one great bat- 
tle, but too late to prevent a hold-up upon the 
island of Thanet, and afterwards at Shippey, near 
London, where the enemy settled himself. 

Yet Ethelwolf made a pilgrimage to Rome with 
Alfred, then six years old (a.d. 855). He was 
gone a year, during which time very little reign- 
ing was done at home, and the Northmen kept 
making treaties and coming over in larger droves. 

Ethelwolf visited Charles the Bald of France 
at this time, and married his daughter Judith inci- 
dentally. Ethelwolf's eldest son died during the 
king's absence, and was succeeded as eldest son 
by Ethelbald (heir-apparent, though he had no 



44 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

hair apparent), who did not recognize the old 
gentleman or allow him to be seated on his own 
throne when he came back ; but Ethelwolf gave 
the naughty Ethelbald the western half of the 
kingdom rather than have trouble. But Baldy 
died, and was succeeded by Ethelbert, who died 
six years later, and Ethelred, in 866, took charge 
till 871, when he died of a wound received in bat- 
tle and closed out the Ethel business to Alfred. 

The Danes had meantime rifled the country 
with their cross-guns and killed Edmund, the 
good king of East Anglia, who was afterwards 
canonized, though gunpowder had not then been 
invented. 

Alfred was not only a godly king, but had a 
good education, and was a great admirer of Dick- 
ens and Thackeray. (This is put in as a titbit 
for the critic.) 

He preferred literature to the plaudits of the 
nobility and the sedentary life on a big white-oak 
throne. On the night before his coronation his 
pillow was wet with tears. 

And in the midst of it all here came the Danes 
wearing heavy woollen clothes and introducing 
their justly celebrated style of honest sweat. 

Alfred fought as many as eight battles with 
them in one year. They agreed at last to accept 
such portions of the country as were assigned 
them, but they were never known to abide by any 



THE INFLUX OF THE DANES. 



45 



treaty, and they put the red man of America to 
shame as prevaricators. 

Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at 
their wit's end, and have never been able to take 
a joke since at less than thirty days. 

Some fled to Wales and perished miserably 
trying to pronounce the names of their new post- 
office addresses. 

Here Alfred's true greatness stood him in good 
stead. He secured a number of reliable retain- 




ALFRED, DISGUISED AS A GLEEMAN, IS INTRODUCED TO GUTHRUN. 



46 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

ers and camped in the swamps of Somersetshire, 
where he made his head-quarters on account of 
its inaccessibility, and then he made raids on the 
Danes. Of course he had to hve roughly, and 
must deny himself his upright piano for his coun- 
try's good. 

In order to obtain a more thorough knowledge 
of the Danes and their number, he disguised him- 
self as a harper, or portable orchestra, and visited 
the Danish camp, where he was introduced to 
Guthrun and was invited to a banquet, where he 
told several new anecdotes, and spoke in such a 
humorous way that the army was sorry to see him 
go away, and still sorrier when, a few days later, 
armed cap-a-pie, he mopped up the greensward 
with his enemy and secured the best of terms 
from him. 

While incog., Alfred stopped at a hut, where he 
was asked to turn the pancakes as they required 
it ; but in the absence of the hostess he got to 
thinking of esoteric subjects, or something pro- 
found, and allowed the cakes to burn. The 
housewife returned in time to express her senti- 
ments and a large box to his address as shown in 
the picture. 

He now converted Guthrun and had him im- 
mersed, which took first-rate, and other Danes 
got immersed. Thus the national antagonism to 
water was overcome, and to-day the English who 



THE INFLUX OF THE DANES. 



47 



are descended from the Danes are not appalled 
at the sight of water. 

As a result of Guthrun's conversion, the Danes 
agreed to a permanent settlement along the ex- 




ALFRED LETTING THE CAKES BURN. 



posed portion of Great Britain, by which they 
became unconsciously a living rampart between 
the Saxons and other incursionists. 

Now peace began to reign up to 893, and 
Alfred improved the time by rebuilding the 



48 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



desolated cities, — London especially, which had 
become a sight to behold. A new stock-law, 
requiring the peasantry to shut up their unicorns 
during certain seasons of the year and keep them 
out of the crops, also protecting them from sports- 
men while shedding their horns in spring, or 
moulting, it is said, was passed, but the English 
historians are such great jokers that the writer 
has had much difficulty in culling the facts and 
eliminating the persiflage from these writings. 

Alfred the Great only sur- 
vived his last victory over 
the Danes, at Kent, a few 
years, when he died greatly 
lamented. He was a brave 
soldier, a successful all- 
around monarch, and 
progressive citizen 
age of beastly 
ignorance, 
crime, su- 
perstition, 
self-indul- 
gence, and 
pathetic 
stupid 
ity. 

He trans 
lated several 




ALFKED ESTABLISHED SCHOOLS. 



THE INFLUX OF THE DANES. 



49 



books for the people, established or repaired the 
University of Oxford, and originated the idea, 
adopted by the Japanese a thousand years later, 
of borrowing the scholars of other nations, and 
cheerfully adopting the improvements of other 
countries, instead of following the hide-bound and 
stupid conservatism and ignorance bequeathed by 
father to son, as a result of blind and offensive 
pride, which is sometimes called patriotism. 




XING ALFRED TRANSLATED SEVERAL BOOKS. 



c d 



CHAPTER V. 

THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES : DEMONSTRATING A 
SHORT REIGN FOR THOSE WHO TRAVEL AT A 
ROYAL GAIT. 

THE Ethels now made an effort to regain the 
throne from Edward the Elder. Ethelwold, 
a nephew of Edward, united the Danes 
under his own banner, and relations were strained 
between the leaders until 905, when Ethelwold 
was slain. Even then the restless Danes and 
frontier settlers were a source of annoyance until 
about 925, when Edward died ; but at his death 
he was the undisputed king of all Britain, and all 
the various sub-monarchs and associate rulers 
gave up their claims to him. He was assisted in 
his affairs of state by his widowed sister, Ethel- 
fleda. Edward the Elder had his father's ability 
as a ruler, but was not so great as a scholar or 
litterateur . He had not the unfaltering devotion 
to study nor the earnest methods which made 
Alfred great. Alfred not only divided up his 
time into eight-hour shifts, — one for rest, meals, 
and recreation, one for the affairs of state, and 
one for study and devotion, — but he invented the 
so 



52 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

candle with a scale on it as a time-piece, and 
many a subject came to the throne at regular 
periods to set his candle by the royal lights. 

Think of those days when the Sergeant-at- 
Arms of Congress could not turn back the clock 
in order to assist an appropriation at the close 
of the session, but when the light went out the 
session closed. 

Athelstan succeeded his father, Edward the 
Presiding Elder, and resembled him a good deal 
by defeating the Welsh, Scots, and Danes. In 
those days agriculture, trade, and manufacturing 
were diversions during the summer months ; but 
the regular business of life was warfare with the 
Danes, Scots, and Welsh. 

These foes of England could live easily for 
years on oatmeal, sour milk, and cod's heads, 
while the fighting clothes of a whole regiment 
would have been a scant wardrobe for the Greek 
Slave, and after two centuries of almost uninter- 
rupted carnage their war debt was only a trifle 
over eight dollars. 

Edmund, the brother of Ethelstan, at the age 
of eighteen, succeeded his brother on the throne. 

One evening, while a little hilarity was going 
on in the royal apartments, Edmund noticed 
among the guests a robber named Leolf, who had 
not been invited. Probably he was a pickpocket ; 
and as a royal robber hated anybody who dropped 



THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES. 



53 



below grand larceny, the king ordered his retain- 
ers to put him out. 

But the retainers shrank from the undertaking, 
therefore Edmund sprang from the throne like a 
tipper and buried his talons in the robber's tresses. 




EDMUND THROWING LBOLF OUT. 



There was a mixture of feet, legs, teeth, and feat- 
ures for a moment, and when peace was restored 
King Edmund had a watch-pocket full of blood, 
and the robber chieftain was wiping his stabber on 
one of the royal tidies. 

Edred now succeeded the deceased Edmund, 
his brother, and with a heavy heart took up the 



54 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

eternal job of fighting the Danes. Edred set up 
a sort of provincial government over Northum- 
berland, the refractory district, and sent a gov- 
ernor and garrison there to see that the Danes 
paid attention to what he said. St. Dunstan had 
considerable influence over Edred, and was pro- 
moted a great deal by the king, who died in the 
year 955. 

He was succeeded by Edwy the Fair, who was 
opposed by another Ethel. Between the Ethels 
and the Welsh and Danes, there was little time 
left in England for golf or high tea, and Edwy's 
reign was short and full of trouble. 

He had trouble with St. Dunstan, charging him 
with the embezzlement of church funds, and com- 
pelled him to leave the country. This was in 
retaliation for St. Dunstan's overbearing order to 
the king. One evening, when a banquet was 
given him in honor of his coronation, the king 
excused himself when the speeches got rather 
corky, and went into the sitting-room to have a 
chat with his wife, Elgiva, of whom he was very 
fond, and her mother. St. Dunstan, who had still 
to make a speech on Foreign Missions with a 
yard or so of statistics, insisted on Edwy's return. 
An open outbreak was the result. The Church 
fell upon the King with a loud, annual report, and 
when the debris was cleared away, a little round- 
shouldered grave in the churchyard held all that 



THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES. 



55 



was mortal of the king. His wife was cruelly and 
fatally assassinated, and Edgar, his brother, began 
to reign. This was in the year 959, and in what 
is now called the Middle Ages. 

Edgar was called the Pacific. He paid off the 
church debt, made Dunstan Archbishop of Can- 
terbury, helped reform the church, and, though 
but sixteen years of age when he removed all 
explosives from the throne and seated himself 
there, he showed that he had a massive scope, 
and his subjects looked forward to much antici- 
pation. 

He sailed around the island every year to show 
the Danes how prosperous he was, and made 
speeches which displayed his education. 

His coronation took place thir- 
teen years after his accession to 
the throne, owing to the fact, as 
given out by some of the more 
modern historians, that the crown 
was at Mr. Isaac Inestein's all this 
time, whereas the throne, which 
was bought on the instalment 
plan, had been redeemed. 

Pictures of the crown worn by 
Edgar will convince the reader that 
its redemption was no slight task, 
while the mortgage on the throne 
was a mere bagatelle. 




EDGAR SURMOUNTED BY HIS CROWN. 



THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES. 57 

A bright idea of Edgar's was to ride in a 
row-boat pulled by eight kings under the old 
rSgime. 

Personally, Edgar was reputed to be exceed- 
ingly licentious ; but the historian wisely says 
these stories may have been the invention of his 
enemies. Greatness is certain to make of itself 
a target for the mud of its own generation, and 
no one who rose above the level of his surround- 
ings ever failed to receive the fragrant attentions 
of those who had not succeeded in rising-. AH 
history is fraught also with the bitterness and 
jealousy of the historian except this one. No 
bitterness can creep into this history. 

Edgar, it is said, assassinated the husband of 
Elfrida in order that he might marry her. It is 
also said that he broke into a convent and carried 
off a nun ; but doubtless if these stories were 
traced to their very foundations, politics would 
account for them both. 

He did not favor the secular clergy, and they, 
of course, disliked him accordingly. He suffered 
also at the hands of those who sought to operate 
the reigning apparatus whilst his attention was 
turned towards other matters. 

He was the author of the scheme whereby he 
utilized his enemies, the Welsh princes, by de- 
manding three hundred wolf heads per annum as 
tribute instead of money. This wiped out the 



58 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



wolves and used up the surplus animosity of the 
Welsh. 

As the Welsh princes had no money, the 
scheme was a good one. Edgar died at the age 
of thirty-two, and was succeeded by Edward, his 
son, in 975. 

The death of the king at this early age has 
given to many historians the idea that he was a 
sad dog, and that he sat up late of nights and 
cut up like everything, but this may not be true. 
Death often takes the good, the true, and the 
beautiful whilst young. 

However, Edgar's reign was a brilliant one for 
an Anglo-Saxon, and his coon-skin cap is said to 
have cost over a pound sterling. 




EDGAR THE PACIFIC. 



CHAPTER VI. 

THE DANISH OLIGARCHY: DISAFFECTIONS ATTENDING 
CHRONIC USURPATION PROCLIVITIES. 

EDGAR was succeeded by his son Edward, 
called "the Martyr," who ascended the 
throne at the age of fifteen years. His 
step-mother, Elfrida, opposed him, and favored 
her own son, Ethelred. Edward was assassinated 
in 978, at the instigation of his step-mother, and 
that's what's the martyr with him. 

During his reign there was a good deal of ill 
feeling, and Edward would no doubt have been 
deposed but for the influence of the church under 
Dunstan. 

Ethelred was but ten years old when he began 
reigning. Sadly poor Dunstan crowned him, his 
own eyes still wet with sorrow over the cruel 
death of Edward. He foretold that Ethelred 
would have a stormy reign, with sleet and vari- 
able winds, changing to snow. 

During the remainder of the great prelate's 
life he, as it were, stood between the usurper and 
the people, and protected them from the threat- 
ening storm. 

59 



6o HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

But in 991, shortly after the death of Dunstan, 
a great army of Norwegians came over to Eng- 
land for purposes of pillage. To say that it was 
an allopathic pillage would not be an extravagant 
statement. They were extremely rude people, 
like all the nations of northern Europe at that 
time, — Rome being the Boston of the Old World, 
and Copenhagen the Fort Dodge of that period. 

The Norwegians ate everything that did not 
belong to the mineral kingdom, and left the green 
fields of merry England looking like a base-ball 
ground. So wicked and warlike were they that 
the sad and defeated country was obliged to give 
the conquering Norske ten thousand pounds of 
silver. 

Dunstan died at the age of sixty-three, and 
years afterwards was canonized ; but firearms had 
not been invented at the time of his death. He 
led the civilization and progress of England, and 
was a pioneer in cherishing the fine arts. 

Olaf, who led the Norwegians against England, 
afterwards became king of Norway, and with the 
Danes used to ever and anon sack Great Britain, 
— i.e., eat everybody out of house and home, and 
then ask for a sack of silver as the price of peace. 

Ethelred was a cowardly king, who liked to 
wear the implements of war on holidays, and 
learn to crochet and tat in time of war. He 
gave these invaders ten thousand pounds of sil- 



THE DANISH OLIGARCHY. 6l 

ver at the first, sixteen thousand at the second, 
and twenty-four thousand on the third trip, in 
order to buy peace. 

Olaf afterwards, however, embraced Christian- 
ity and gave up fighting as a business, leaving 
the ring entirely to Sweyn, his former partner 
from Denmark, who continued to do business as 
before. 

The historian says that the invasion of England 
by the Norwegians and Danes was fully equal to 
the assassination, arson, and rapine of the Indians 
of North America. A king who would permit 
such cruel cuttings-up as these wicked animals 
were guilty of on the fair face of old England, 
should live in history only as an invertebrate, a 
royal failure, a decayed mollusk, and the dropsical 
head of a tottering dynasty. 

In order to strengthen his feeble forces, Ethel- 
red allied himself, in looi, to Richard II., Duke of 
Normandy, and married his daughter Emma, but 
the Danes continued to make night hideous and 
elope with ladies whom they had never met 
before. It was a sad time in the history of Eng- 
land, and poor Emma wept many a hot and bitter 
tear as she yielded one jewel after another to the 
pawnbroker in order to buy off the coarse and 
hateful Danes. 

If Ethelred were to know how he is regarded 
by the historian who pens these lines, he would 



62 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



kick the foot-board out of his casket, and bite 
himself severely in four places. 

To add to his foul history, happening to have 
a few inoffensive Danes on hand, on the 13th of 




ETHELRKD WEDS EMMA. 



November, the festival of St. Brice, 1002, he 
gave it out that he would massacre these peo- 
ple, among them the sister of the Danish king, 
a noble woman who had become a Christian 
(only it is to be hoped a better one), and mar- 
ried an English earl. He had them all butchered. 



THE DANISH OLIGARCHY. 63 

In 1003, Sweyn, with revenge in his heart, be- 
gan a war of extermination or subjugation, and 
never yielded till he was, in fact, king of England, 
while the royal intellectual polyp, known as Ethel- 
red the Unwholesome, fled to Normandy, in the 
1013th year Anno Domini. 

But in less than six weeks the Danish king 
died, leaving the sceptre, with the price-mark still 
upon it, to Canute, his son, and Ethelred was 
invited back, with an understanding that he 
should not abuse his privileges as king, and that, 
although it was a life job during good behavior, 
the privilege of beheading him from time to time 
was and is vested in the people ; and even to-day 
there is not a crowned head on the continent of 
Europe that does not recognize this great truth, 
— viz., that God alone, speaking through the 
united voices of the common people, declares the 
rulings of the Supreme Court of the Universe. 

On the old autograph albums of the world is 
still written in the dark corners of empires, "■the 
king can do no wrong T But where education is 
not repressed, and where that Christianity which 
is built on love and charity is taught, there can 
be but one King who does no wrong. 

Ethelred was succeeded by Edmund, called 
"the Ironside." He fought bravely, and drove 
the Danes, under Canute, back to their own 
shores. But they got restless in Denmark, where 



64 



HISTOR Y OF ENGLAND. 



there was very little going on, and returned to 
England in large numbers. 

Ethelred died in London, 1016 a.d., before 
Canute reached him. He was called by Dun- 
stan " Ethelred the Unready," and had a faculty 
for erring more promptly than any previous king. 

Having returned cheerily from Ethelred's rather 
tardy funeral, the people took oath, some of them 
under Edmund and some under Canute. 

Edmund, after five pitched battles, offered to 
stay bloodshed by personally fighting Canute at 
any place where they could avoid police interfer- 
ence, but Canute declined, on what grounds it is 
not stated, though possibly on the Polo grounds. 




SONS OF EDMUND SENT TO OLAF. 



THE DANISH OLIGARCHY. 65 

A compromise was agreed to in 1016, by which 
Edmund reigned over the region south of the 
Thames ; but very shortly afterwards he was 
murdered at the instigation of Edric, a traitor, 
who was the Judas Iscariot of his time. 

Canute, or " Knut," now became the first Dan- 
ish king of England. Having appointed three 
sub-kings, and taken charge himself of Wessex, 
Canute sent the two sons of Edmund to Olaf, 
requesting him to put them to death ; but Olaf, 
the king of Sweden, had scruples, and instead of 
doing so sent the boys to Hungary, where they 
were educated. Edward afterwards married a 
daughter of the Emperor Henry II. 

Canute as king was, after he got the hang of 
it, a great success, giving to the harassed people 
more comfort than they had experienced since the 
death of Alfred, who was thoroughly gifted as a 
sovereign. 

He had to raise heavy taxes In order to 'squire 
himself with the Danish leaders at first, but finally 
began to harmonize the warring elements, and 
prosperity followed. He was fond of old ballads, 
and encouraged the wandering minstrels, who en- 
tertained the king with topical songs till a late 
hour. Symposiums and after-dinner speaking 
were thus inaugurated, and another era of good 
feeling began about half-past eleven o'clock each 
evening. 

e 6* 



THE DANISH OLIGARCHY. 67 

Queen Emma, the widow of Ethelred, now 
began to set her cap for Canute, and thus it 
happened that her sons again became the heirs 
to the throne at her marriage, a.d. 1017. 

Canute now became a good king. He built 
churches and monasteries, and even went on a 
pilgrimage to Rome, which in those days was 
almost certain to win public endorsement. 

Disgusted with the flattering of his courtiers, 
one day as he strolled along the shore he caused 
his chair to be placed at the margin of the ap- 
proaching tide, and as the water crept up into his 
lap, he showed them how weak must be a mortal 
king in the presence of Omnipotence. He was 
a humble and righteous king, and proved by his 
example that after all the greatest of earthly 
rulers is only the most obedient servant. 

He was even then the sovereign of England, 
Norway, and Denmark. In 1031 he had some 
trouble with Malcolm, King of Scotland, but sub- 
dued him promptly, and died in 1035, leaving 
Hardicanute, the son of Emma, and Sweyn and 
Harold, his sons by a former wife. 

Harold succeeded to the English throne, Sweyn 
to that of Norway, and Hardicanute to the throne 
of Denmark. 

In the following chapter a few well-chosen re- 
marks will be made regarding Harold and other 
kings. 



CHAPTER VII. 

OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS : FOREIGN FOIBLES 
INTRODUCED, ONLY TO BE EXPUNGED WITH 
CHARACTERISTIC PUGNACITY. 

LET us now look for a moment into the reigns 
J of Harold I. and Hardicanute, a pair of 
unpopular reigns, which, although brief, 
were yet long enough. 

Queen Emma, of course, desired the corona- 
tion of Hardicanute, but, though supported by 
Earl Godwin, a man of great influence and edu- 
cated to a high degree for his time, able indeed, 
it is said, at a moment's notice, to add up things 
and reduce things to a common denominator, it 
could not be. 

Harold, the compromise candidate, reigned 
from 1037 to 1040. He gained Godwin to his 
side, and together they lured the sons of Emma 
by Ethelred — viz., Alfred and Edward — to town, 
and, as a sort of royal practical joke, put out 
Alfred's eyes, causing his death. 

Harold was a swift sprinter, and was called 
" Harefoot" by those who were intimate enough 
to exchange calls and coarse anecdotes with him. 

68 



OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS. 



09 



He died in 1040 a.d., and nobody ever had a 
more general approval for doing so than Harold. 

Hardicanute now came forth from his apart- 
ments, and was received as king with every 
demonstration of joy, and for some weeks he 
and dyspepsia had it all their own way on Picca- 
dilly. (Report says that he drank ! Several 
times while under the influence 
of liquor he abdicated 
the throne with a dull 
thud, but was rein- 
stated by the 
police.) 




" KING HAROLD IS DEAD, SIRE.' 



70 HISTOR V OF ENGLAND. 

Enraged by the death of Alfred, the king had 
the remains of Harold exhumed and thrown into 
a fen. This a-fensive act showed what a great 
big broad nature Hardicanute had, — also the kind 
of timber used in making a king in those days. 

Godwin, however, seems to have been a good 
political acrobat, and was on more sides of more 
questions than anybody else of those times. 
Though connected with the White-Cap affair by 
which Alfred lost his eyesight and his life, he 
proved an alibi, or spasmodic paresis, or some- 
thing, and, having stood a compurgation and 
"ordeal" trial, was released. The historian very 
truly but inelegantly says, if memory serves the 
writer accurately, that Godwin was such a polit- 
ical straddle-bug that he early abandoned the use 
of pantaloons and returned to the toga, which 
was the only garment able to stand the strain of 
his political cuttings-up. 

The Shire Mote, or county court of those days, 
was composed of a dozen thanes, or cheap no- 
bles, who had to swear that they had not read 
the papers, and had not formed or expressed an 
opinion, and that their minds were in a state of 
complete vacancy. It was a sort of primary jury, 
and each could point with pride to the vast collec- 
tion he had made of things he did not know, and 
had not formed or expressed an opinion about. 

If one did not like the verdict of this court, 



72 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



he could appeal to the king on a certiorari or 
some such thing as that. The accused could 
clear himself by his own oath and that of others, 
but without these he had to stand what was 
called the ** ordeal," which consisted in walking 
on hot ploughshares without expressing a derog- 
atory opinion regarding the ploughshares or show- 
ing contempt of court. Sometimes the accused 
had to run his arm into boiling water. If after three 
days the injury had disappeared, the defendant 
was discharged and costs taxed against the king. 
Hardicanute only reigned two years, and in 
1042 A.D. died at a nuptial banquet, and cast a 
gloom over the whole thing. In those times it 
was a common thing for the king or some 
of the nobility to die between the roast 
pig and the pork pie. It was not un- 




DYING BETWEEN COURSES. 



OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS. 73 

usual to see each noble with a roast pig tete-a- 
tete, — each confronting the other, the living and 
the dead. 

At this time, it is said by the old settlers that 
hog cholera thinned out the nobility a good deal, 
whether directly or indirectly they do not say. 

The English had now wearied of the Danish 
yoke. " Why wear the Danish yoke," they asked, 
" and be ruled with a rod of iron ?" 

Edward, half brother of Edmund Ironside, was 
therefore nominated and chosen king. Godwin, 
who seemed to be specially gifted as a versatile 
connoisseur of " crow," * turned up as his political 
adviser. 

Edward, afterwards called "the Confessor," at 
once stripped Queen Emma of all her means, for 
he had no love left for her, as she had failed 
repeatedly to assist him when he was an outcast, 
and afterwards the new king placed her in jail (or 
gaol, rather) at Winchester. This should teach 
mothers to be more obedient, or they will surely 
come to some bad end. 

Edward was educated in Normandy, and so 
was quite partial to the Normans. He appointed 
many of them to important positions in both 
church and state. Even the See of Canterbury 

*" Eating crow" is an expression common in modem American politics 
to signify a reluctant acknowledgment of humiliating defeat. — Historian. 
D 7 



74 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



was given to a Norman. The See saw how it 
was going, no doubt, and accepted the position. 
But let us pass on rapidly to something else, for 




EDWARD STRIPS EMMA OF HER MEANS. 



thereby variety may be given to these pages, and 
as one fact seems to call for another, truth, which 
for the time being may be apparently crushed to 
earth, may rise again. 

Godwin disliked the introduction of the Nor- 
man tongue and Norman customs in England, 
and when Eustace, Count of Boulogne and au- 



OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS. 75 

thor of the sausage which bears his name, com- 
mitted an act of violence against the people of 
Dover, they arose as one man, drove out the 
foreigners, and fumigated the town as well as the 
ferry running to Calais. 

This caused trouble between Edward and God- 
win, which led to the deposition of the latter, who, 
with his sons, was compelled to flee. But later 
he returned, and his popularity in England among 




GODWIN AND HIS SONS FLYING FROM ENGLAND. 

the home people compelled the king to reestab- 
lish him. 

Soon afterwards Godwin died, and Harold, his 



76 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

son, succeeded him successfully. Godwin was an 
able man, and got several earldoms for his wife 
and relatives at a time when that was just what 
they needed. An earldom then was not a mere 
empty title with nothing- in it but a blue sash and 
a scorbutic temperament, but it gave almost abso- 
lute authority over one or more shires, and was 
also a good piece of property. These historical 
facts took place in or about the year 1054 a.d. 

Edward having no children, together with a 
sort of misgiving about ever having any to speak 
of, called home Edward "the Outlaw," son of 
Edmund Ironside, to succeed to the throne ; but 
scarcely had he reached the shores of England 
when he died, leaving a son, Edgar. 

William of Normandy, a cousin of the king, 
now appears on the scene. He claimed to be 
entitled to the first crack at the throne, and that 
the king had promised to bequeath it to him. He 
even lured Harold, the heir apparently, to Nor- 
mandy, and while under the influence of stimu- 
lants compelled Harold to swear that he would 
sustain William's claim to the throne. The wily 
William also inserted some holy relics of great 
potency under the altar used for swearing pur- 
poses, but Harold recovered when he got out 
again into the fresh air, and snapped his fingers 
at William and his relics. 

January 5, 1066, Edward died, and was buried 



78 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



in Westminster Abbey, which had just been en- 
closed and the roof put on. 

Harold, who had practised a little while as earl, 
and so felt that he could reign easily by begin- 
ning moderately and only reigning forenoons, 
ascended the throne. 

Edward the Confessor was a good, durable 
monarch, but not brilliant. He was the first to 
let people touch him on Tuesdays and Fridays 
for scrofula, or "king's evil." He also made a 
set of laws that were an improvement on some 
of the old ones. He was canonized about a 

century after his 
death by the Pope, 
but as to whether 
it "took" or not the 
historian seems 
strangely dumb. 

He was the last 
of the royal Saxon 
line ; but other 
self-made Saxons 
reigned after him 
in torrents. 

Edgar Atheling, 
son of Edward 
the Outlaw, was 
the only surviving 

WILLIAM OF NORMANDY LEARNS THAT HAROLD IS TTl 3 1 P of fh f TOVH 1 




OTHER DISAGREEABLE CLAIMANTS. 79 

line, but he was not old enough to succeed to the 
throne, and Harold II. accepted the portfolio. 
He was crowned at Westminster on the day of 
King Edward's burial. This infuriated William 
of Normandy, who reminded Harold of his first- 
degree oath, and his pledge that he would keep 
it "or have his salary cut from year to year." 

Oh, how irritated William was ! He got down 
his gun, and bade the other Normans who desired 
an outine to do the same. 

Trouble also arose with Tostig, the king's 
brother, and his Norwegian ally, Hardrada, but 
the king defeated the allied forces at Stamford 
Bridge, near York, where both of these misguided 
leaders bit the dust. Previous to the battle there 
was a brief parley, and the king told Tostig the 
best he could do with him. " And what can you 
give my ally, Hardrada?" queried the astute Tos- 
tig-. "Seven feet of English oround," answered 
the king, roguishly, "or possibly more, as Har- 
drada is rather taller than the average," or words 
to that effect. "Then let the fight go on," an- 
swered Tostig, taking a couple of hard-boiled 
eggs from his pocket and cracking them on the 
ppmmel of his saddle, for he had not eaten any- 
thmg but a broiled shote since breakfast. 

That night both he and Hardrada occupied a 
double grave on the right-hand side of the road 
leading to York. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

THE NORMAN CONQUEST I COMPLEX COMMINGLING OF 
FACETIOUS ACCORD AND IMPLACABLE DISCORD. 




'HE Norman invasion was one 
of the most unpleasant feat- 
ures of this period. Harold 
violated his oath to William, 
and many of his supersti- 
tious followers feared to 
assist him on that account. 
His brother advised him to 
wait a few years and per- 
mit the invader to die of 
exposure. Thus, excom- 
municated by the Pope 
and not feeling very well 
anyway, Harold went into 
the battle of Hastings, October 14, 1066. For 
nine hours they fought, the English using their 
celebrated squirt-guns filled with hot water and 
other fixed ammunition. Finally Harold, while 
straightening his sword across his knee, got an 
arrow in the eye, and abandoned the fight in 
order to investigate the surprises of a future state. 
80 



THE CONQUEROR. 



THE NORMAN CONQUEST. 8 1 

In this battle the contusions alone amounted to 
over ninety-seven, to say nothing of fractures, 
concussions, and abrasions. 

Among other casualties, the nobility of the 
South of England was killed. 

Harold's body was buried by the sea-shore, but 
many years afterwards disinterred, and, all signs 
of vitality having disappeared, he was buried 
again in the church he had founded at Waltham. 

The Anglo-Saxons thus yielded to the Normans 
the government of England. 

In these days the common people were called 
churls, or anything else that happened to occur 
to the irritable and quick-witted nobility. The 
rich lived in great magnificence, with rushes on 
the floor, which were changed every few weeks. 
Beautiful tapestry — similar to the rag-carpet of 
America — adorned the walls and prevented ven- 
tilation. 

Glass had been successfully made in France 
and introduced into England. A pane of glass 
indicated the abode of wealth, and a churl clean- 
ing the window with alcohol by breathing heavily 
upon it, was a sign that Sir Reginald de Pamp, 
the pampered child of fortune, dwelt there. 

To twang the lyre from time to time, or knock 

a few mellow plunks out of the harp, was regarded 

with much favor by the Anglo-Saxons, who were 

much given to feasting and merriment. In those 

/ 



82 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



pioneer times the "small and early" had not yet 
been introduced, but "the drunk and disorderly" 
was regarded with much favor. 

Free coinage was now discussed, and mints 
established. Wool was the principal export, and 

fine cloths were 
taken in exchange 
from the Continent. 
Women spun for 
their own households, 
and the term spinster 
yas introduced. 

The monasteries 
carefully concealed 
everything in the 
way of education, 
and even the nobil- 
ity could not have 
stood a civil service 
examination. 

The clergy were 
skilled in music, paint- 
ing, and sculpture, 
and loved to paint on china, or do sign-work and 
carriage painting for the nobility. St. Dunstan 
was quite an artist, and painted portraits which 
even now remind one strangely of human beings. 
Edgar Atheling, the legal successor of Harold, 
saw at a glance that William the Conqueror had 




ST. L.UNSTAN WAS NOTED FOR THIS KIND OF THING. 



84 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

come to stay, and so he yielded to the Norman, 
as shown in the accompanying steel engraving 
copied from a piece of tapestry now in posses- 
sion of the author, and which descended to him, 
through no fault of his own, from the Normans, 
who for years ruled England with great skill, 
and from whose loins he sprang, 

William was crowned on Christmas Day at 
Westminster Abbey as the new sovereign. It 
was more difficult to change a sovereign in those 
days than at present, but that is neither here nor 
there. 

The people were so glad over the coronation 
that they overdid it, and their ghoulish glee 
alarmed the regular Norman army, the impres- 
sion getting out that the Anglo-Saxons were 
rebellious, when as a matter of fact they were 
merely exhilarated, having tanked too often with 
the tankard. 

William the Conqueror now disarmed the city 
of London, and tipping a number of the nobles, 
got them to wait on him. He rewarded his Nor- 
man followers, however, with the contraband 
estates of the conquered, and thus kept up his 
conking for years after peace had been declared. 

But the people did not forget that they were 
there first, and so, while William was in Nor- 
mandy, in the year 1067 a.d., hostilities broke 
out. People who had been foreclosed and ejected 



86 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 




from their lands united to shoot the Norman 
usurper, and it was not uncommon for a Norman, 
while busy usurping, to receive an arrow in some 
vital place, and have to give up sedentary pur- 
suits, perhaps, for weeks afterwards. 

In 1068 A.D., Edgar Atheling, Sweyn of Den- 
mark, Malcolm of Scotland, and the sons of 
Harold banded together to drive out the Nor- 
man. Malcolm was a brave man, and had, it is 
said, captured so many Anglo-Saxons and brought 
them back to Scotland, that they had a very re- 
fining influence on that 
country, introducing the 
study of the yoke 
among other things 
with moderate suc- 
cess. 

William has- 
tily returned 
from Normandy, 
and made short 
work of the rebel 
lion. The following 
year another outbreak 
occurring in Northum- 
berland, William mis- 
chievously laid waste 
sixty miles of fertile 
country, and wilfully 




WILLIAM WAS FOND OF HUNTING. 



THE NORMAN CONQUEST. 8/ 

slaughtered one hundred thousand people, — men, 
women, and children. And yet we have among 
us those who point with pride to their Norman 
lineage when they ought to be at work supporting 
their families. 

In 1070 the Archbishop of Canterbury was de- 
graded from his position, and a Milanese monk 
on his Milan knees succeeded him. The Saxons 
became serfs, and the Normans used the school 
tax to build large, repulsive castles in which to 
woo the handcuffed Anglo-Saxon maiden at their 
leisure. An Anglo-Saxon maiden without a rope 
ladder in the pocket of her basque was a rare 
sight. Many very thrilling stories are written of 
those days, and bring a good price. 

William was passionately fond of hunting, and 
the penalty for killing a deer or boar without au- 
thority was greater than for killing a human being 
out of season. 

In order to erect a new forest, he devastated 
thirty miles of farming country, and drove the 
people, homeless and foodless, to the swamps. 
He also introduced the curfew, which he had rung 
in the evening for his subjects in order to remind 
them that it was time to put out the lights, as well 
as the cat, and retire. This badge of servitude 
caused great annoyance among the people, who 
often wished to sit up and visit, or pass the tank- 
ard about and bid dull care begone. 



88 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

William, however, was not entirely happy. 
While reigning, his children grew up without 
proper training. Robert, his son, unhorsed the 
old gentleman at one time, and would have killed 
him anonymously, each wearing at the time a gal- 
vanized iron dinner-pail over his features, but just 
at the fatal moment Robert heard his father's 
well-known breath asserting itself, and withheld 
his hand. 

William's death was one of the most attractive 
features of his reign. It resulted from an injury 
received during an invasion of France. 

Philip, the king of that country, had said some- 
thing derogatory regarding William, so the latter, 
having business in France, decided to take his 
army with him and give his soldiers an outing. 
William captured the city of Mantes, and laid it 
in ashes at his feet. These ashes were still hot 
in places when the great conqueror rode through 
them, and his horse becoming restive, threw His 
Royal Altitoodleum on the pommel of his saddle, 
by reason of which he received a mortal hurt, and 
a few weeks later he died, filled with remorse and 
other stimulants, regretting his past life in such 
unmeasured terms that he could be heard all over 
the place. 

The "feudal system" was now fully established 
in England, and lands descended from father to 
son, and were divided up among the dependants 



90 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



on condition of the performance of vassalage. 
In this way the common people were cheerily 
permitted the use of what atmosphere they 
needed for breathing purposes, on their solemn 
promise to return it, and at the close of life, if 
they had succeeded in winning the royal favor, 
they might contribute with their humble remains 
to the fertility of the royal vegetable garden. 




THE FEUDAL SYSTEM WAS NOW FULLY ESTABLISHED. 



CHAPTER IX. 

THE FEUDAL SYSTEM : SUCCESSFUL INAUGURATION OF 
HOMOGENEAL METHODS FOR RESTRICTING IN- 
COMPATIBLE DEMAGOGUES. 

AT this time, under the reign of William, a 
^ year previous to his death, an inventory 
was taken of the real estate and personal 
property contained in the several counties of 
England; and this "Domesday-book," as it was 
called, formed the basis for subsequent taxation, 
etc. There were then three hundred thousand 
families in England. The book had a limited 
circulation, owing to the fact that it was made by 
hand ; but in 1783 it was printed. 

William II., surnamed " Rufus the Red," the 
auburn-haired son of the king, took possession 
of everything — especially the treasure — before 
his father was fully deceased, and by fair prom- 
ises solidified the left wing of the royal party, 
compelling the disaffected Norman barons to fly 
to France. 

William II. and Robert his brother came to 
blows over a small rebellion organized by the 
latter, but Robert yielded at last, and joined 

91 



92 



HISTOR V OF ENGLAND. 



William with a view 
to making it hot for 
Henry, who, being a 
younger brother, ob- 
jected to wearing the 
king's cast-off reign- 
ing clothes. He was 
at last forced to sub- 
mit, however, and the 
three brothers gayly 
attacked Malcolm, the 
Scotch malecontent, 
who was compelled 
to yield, and thus 
Cumberland became 
English ground. This 
was in 109 1. 
In 1096 the Crusade was creating much talk, 
and Robert, who had expressed a desire to lead a 
totally different life, determined to go if money 
could be raised. Therefore William proceeded 
to levy on everything that could be realized upon, 
such as gold and silver communion services and 
other bric-a-brac, and free coinage was then first 
inaugurated. The king became so greedy that 
on the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury 
he made himself ex-officio archbishop, so that he 
might handle the offerings and coin the plate. 
When William was ill he sent for Father Anselm, 




WILLIAM II. TAKES POSSESSION OF THE ROYAL TRUNK 
AND SECURES THE CROWN. 



THE FEUDAL SYSTEM. 



93 



but when he got well he took back all his sweet 
promises, in every way reminding one of the 
justly celebrated policy pursued by His Sulphu- 
reous Highness the Devil. 

The capture of Jerusalem by the Crusaders 
very naturally attracted the attention of other am- 
bitious princes who wished also to capture it, and 
William, Prince of Guienne, mortgaged his prin- 
cipality to England that he might raise money 
to do this ; but when about to embark for the 
purpose of taking possession of this property, 
William II., the royal note-shaver, while hunting, 



/ i^f ,'',}f^4fiM^''frMi^r^;^.i^^^^ 







RUFUS FOUND DEAD IN THE FOREST BY A POOR CHARCOAL-BURNER. 



94 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

was shot accidentally by a companion, or assassi- 
nated, it is not yet known which, and when found 
by a passing charcoal-burner was in a dead state. 
He was buried in iioo, at Winchester. 

Rufus had no trouble in securing the public 
approval of his death. He was the third of his 
race to perish in the New Forest, the scene of 
the Conqueror's cruelty to his people. He was 
a thick-set man with a red face, a debauchee of 
the deepest dye, mean in money matters, and as 
full of rum and mendacity as Sitting Bull, the 
former Regent of the Sioux Nation. He died at 
the age of forty-three years, having reigned and 
cut up in a shameful manner for thirteen years. 

Robert having gone to the Holy Land, Henry I. 
was crowned at Westminster. He was educated 
to a higher degree than William, and knew the 
multiplication table up to seven times seven, but 
he was highly immoral, and an armed chaperon 
stood between him and common decency. 

He also made rapid strides as a liar, and even 
his own grocer would not trust him. He success- 
fully fainted when he heard of his son's death, 
1 1 20 A.D. 

His reign closed in 1135, when Stephen, a 
grandson of the Conqueror, with the aid of a 
shoe-horn assumed the crown of England, and, 
placing a large damp towel in it, proceeded to 
reign. He began at once to swap patronage for 



THE FEUDAL SYSTEM. 



95 



kind words, and every noble was as ignoble as a 
phenomenal thirst and unbridled lust could make 
him. Every farm had a stone jail on it, in charge 
of a noble jailer. Feudal castles, full of malaria 
and surrounded by insanitary moats and poor 




HENRY FAINTED WHEN HE HEARD THE SAD NEWS. 

plumbing, echoed the cry of the captive and the 
bacchanalian song of the noble. The country 
was made desolate by duly authorized robbers, 
who, under the Crusaders' standard, prevented 
the maturity of the spring chicken and hushed 
the still, small voice of the roast pig in death. 



96 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



William the Conqueror was not only remem- 
bered bitterly in the broken hearts of his people, 
but in history his name will stand out forever 
because of his strange and grotesque designs on 
posterity. 

In 1 141 Stephen was made prisoner, and for 
five years he was not restored to his kingdom. 
In the mean time, Matilda, the widow of Henry I., 
encouraged by the prelates, landed in England to 




MATILDA LANDING IN ENGLAND. 



THE FEUDAL SYSTEM. 97 

lay claim to the throne, and after a great deal of 
ill feeling and much needed assassination, her son 
Henry, who had become quite a large property- 
owner in France, invaded England, and finally 
succeeded in obtaining recognition as the rightful 
successor of Stephen. Stephen died in 1153, and 
Henry became king. 

The Feudal System, which obtained in England 
for four hundred years, was a good one for mili- 
tary purposes, for the king on short notice might 
raise an army by calling on the barons, who levied 
on their vassals, and they in turn levied on their 
dependants. 

A feudal castle was generally built in the Nor- 
man style of architecture. It had a "donjon," or 
keep, which was generally occupied by the baron 
as a bar-room, feed-trough, and cooler between 
fights. It was built of stone, and was lighted by 
means of crevices through the wall by day, and 
by means of a saucer of tallow and a string or 
rush which burned during the night and served 
mainly to show how dark it was. There was a 
front yard or fighting-place around this, sur- 
rounded by a high wall, and this again by a 
moat. There was an inner court back of the 
castle, into which the baron could go for thinking. 
A chapel was connected with the institution, and 
this was the place to which he retired for the pur- 
pose of putting arnica on his conscience. 
E 5' 9 



98 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



Underneath the castle was a large dungeon, 
where people who differed with the baron had a 
studio. Sometimes they did not get out at all, 
but died there in their sins, while the baron had 
all the light of gospel and chapel privileges up- 
stairs. 

The historian says that at that time the most 
numerous class in England were the "villains." 
This need not surprise us, when we remember 
that it was as much as a man's life was worth 
to be anything else. 

There were also twenty-five thousand serfs. A 
serf was required to be at hand night or day 
when the baron needed some one to kick. He 
was generally attached to the realty, like a hornet's 
nest, but not necessary to it. 

In the following chapter knighthood and the 
early hardware trade will be touched upon. 




" IN HOC SIGNO VINCES.' 



CHAPTER X. 

THE AGE OF CHIVALRY I LIGHT DISSERTATION ON THE 
KNIGHTS-ERRANT, MAIDS, FOOLS, PRELATES, AND 
OTHER NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS OF THAT PERIOD. 

THE age of chivalry, which yielded such good 
material to the poet and romancer, was no 
doubt essential to the growth of civiliza- 
tion, but it must have been an unhappy period 
for legitimate business. How could trade, com- 
merce, or even the professions, arts, or sciences, 
flourish while the entire population spread itself 
over the bleaching-boards, day after day, to watch 
the process of "jousting," while the corn was " in 
the grass," and everybody's notes went to protest ? 
Then came the days of knight-errantry, when 
parties in malleable-iron clothing and shirts of 
mail — which were worn without change — rode up 
and down the country seeking for maids in dis- 
tress. A pretty maid in those days who lived on 
the main road could put on her riding-habit, go to 
the window up-stairs, shed a tear, wave her ker- 
chief in the air, and in half an hour have the front 
lawn full of knights-errant tramping over the 
peony beds and castor-oil plants. 

.99 




A PRETTY MAID IN THOSB DAYS. 



THE AGE OF CHIVALRY. lOI 

In this way a new rescuer from day to day 
during the "errant" season might be expected. 
Scarcely would the fair maid reach her destina- 
tion and get her wraps hung up, when a rattle 
of p^ravel on the window would attract her atten- 
tion, and outside she would see, with swelling 
heart, another knight-errant, who crooked his 
Russia-iron elbow and murmured, " Miss, may I 
have the pleasure of this escape with you?" 

"But I do not recognize you, sir," she would 
straightway make reply ; and well she might, for, 
with his steel-shod countenance and corrugated- 
iron clothes, he was generally so thoroughly incog. 
that his crest, on a new shield freshly painted and 
grained and bearing a motto, was his only intro- 
duction. Imagine a sweet girl, who for years 
had been under the eagle eye of a middle-weight 
chaperon, suddenly espying in the moonlight a 
disguised man under the window on horseback, 
in the act of asking her to join him for a few 
weeks at his shooting-box in the swamp. Then, 
if you please, imagine her asking for his card, 
whereupon he exposes the side of his new tin 
shield, on which is painted in large Old English 
letters a Latin motto meaning, " It is. the early 
bird that catches the worm," with bird rampant, 
worm couchant on a field uncultivated. 

Then, seating herself behind the knight, she 
must escape for days, and even weeks, — one 

9* 



THE AGE OF CHIVALRY. 



103 



escape seeming to call for another, as it were. 
Thus, however, the expense of a wedding was 
saved, and the knight with the biggest chest 
measurement generally got the heiress with the 
copper-colored hair. 

He wore a crest on 
his helmet adorned 
with German favors 
given him by lady 
admirers, so that the 
crest of a popular 
young knight often 
looked like a slump 
at the Bon Marche. 

The most peculiar 
condition required 
for entry into knight- 
hood was the "vigil 
of arms," which con- 
sisted in keeping a long silent watch in some 
gloomy spot — a haunted one preferred — over the 
arms he was about to assume. The illustration 
representing this subject is without doubt one 
of the best of the kind extant, and even in the 
present age of the gold-cure is suggestive of a 
night-errant of to-day. 

A tournament was a sort of refined equestrian 
prize-fight with one-hundred-ounce jabbers. Each 
knight, clad in tin-foil and armed cap-a-pie, riding 




CREST OF A POPULAR KNIGHT. 



I04 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

in each other's direction just as fast as possible 
with an uncontrollable desire to push one's adver- 
sary off his horse, which meant defeat, because 
no man could ever climb a horse in full armor 
without a feudal derrick to assist him. 




A JUDICIAL COMBAT. 



The victor was entitled to the horse and armor 
of the vanquished, which made the castle paddock 
of a successful kniorht resemble the convalescent 
ward of the Old Horses' Home. 

This tourney also constituted the prevailing- 
court of those times, and the plaintiff, calling 
upon God to defend the right, charged upon the 



THE AGE OF CHIVALRY. 105 

defendant with a charge which took away the 
breath of his adversary. This, of course, was 
only appHcable to certain cases, and could 
not be used in trials for divorce, breach of 
promise, etc. 

The tournament was practically the forerunner 
of the duel. In each case the parties in effect 
turned the matter over to Omnipotence ; but still 
the man who had his back to the sun, and knew 
how to handle firearms and cutlery, generally felt 
most comfortable. 

Gentlemen who were not engaged in combat, 
but who attended to the grocery business during 
the Norman period, wore a short velvet cloak 
trimmed with fur over a doublet and hose. The 
shoes were pointed, — as were the remarks made 
by the irate parent, — and generally the shoes and 
remarks accompanied each other when a young 
tradesman sought the hand of the daughter, 
whilst she had looked forward to a two-hundred- 
mile ride on the crupper of a knight-errant with- 
out stopping for feed or water. 

In those days also, the fool made no effort to 
disguise his folly by going to Congress or fussing 
with the currency, but wore a uniform which 
designated his calling and saved time in esti- 
mating his value. 

The clergy in those days possessed the bulk 
of knowledge, and had matters so continued 



Io6 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

the vacant pew would have less of a hold on 
people than it has to-day ; but in some way 
knowledge escaped from the cloister and per- 
colated through the other professions, so that 
to-day in England, out of a good-sized family, 
the pulpit generally has to take what is left 
after the army, navy, politics, law, and golf have 
had the pick. It was a fatal error to permit the 
escape of knowledge in that way ; and when 
southern Europe, now priest-ridden and pauper- 
ized, learns to read and write, the sleek blood- 
suckers will eat plainer food and the poor will 
not go entirely destitute. 

The Normans ate two meals a day, and intro- 
duced better cooking among the Saxons, who had 
been accustomed to eat very little except while 
under the influence of stimulants, and who there- 
fore did not realize what they ate. The Normans 
went in more for meat victuals, and thus the 
names of meat, such as veal, beef, pork, and mut- 
ton, are of Norman origin, while the names of the 
animals in a live state are calf, ox, pig, and sheep, 
all Saxon names. 

The Authors' Club of England at this time 
consisted of Geoffrey of Monmouth and another 
man. They wrote their books with quill pens, 
and if the authorities did not like what was said, 
the author could be made to suppress the entire 
edition for a week's board, or for a bumper of 



THE AGE OF CHIVALRY. 



107 



Rhenish wine with a touch of pepper-sauce in it 
he would change the objectionable part by means 
of an eraser. 

It was under these circumstances that the Plan- 




THK AUTHORS CLUB AT THIS TIME. 



tagenets became leaders in society, and added 
their valuable real estate in France to the Eno-lish 
dominions. In 11 54, Henry Plantagenet v/as thus 
the most powerful monarch in Europe, and by 
wedding his son Geoffrey to the daughter of the 



I08 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

Duke of Brittany, soon scooped in that valuable 
property also. 

He broke up the custom of issuing pickpocket 
and felony licenses to his nobles, seized the royal 
stone-piles and other nests for common sneak 
thieves, and resolved to give the people a chance 
to pay taxes and die natural deaths. The disor- 
derly nobles were reduced to the ranks or sent 
away to institutions for inebriates, and people 
began to permit their daughters to go about the 
place unarmed. 

Foreign mercenaries who had so long infested 
the country were ordered to leave it under penalty 
of having their personal possessions confiscated, 
and their own carcasses dissected and fed to the 
wild boars. 

Henry next gave his attention to the ecclesiastic 
power. He chose Thomas a Becket to the vacant 
portfolio as Archbishop of Canterbury, hoping 
thus to secure him as an ally ; but a Becket, 
though accustomed to ride after a four-in-hand 
and assume a style equal to the king himself, 
suddenly became extremely devout, and austerity 
characterized this child of fortune, insomuch that 
each day on bended knees he bathed the chapped 
and soiled feet of thirteen beggars. Why thirteen 
beggars should come around every morning to 
the archbishop's study to have their feet mani- 
cured, or how that could possibly mollify an out- 



no 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



raged God, the historian does not claim to state, 
and, in fact, is not able to throw any light upon 
it at the price agreed upon for this book. 




A COOLNESS BETWEEN THE KING AND THE ARCHBISHOP. 



Trouble now arose between the king and the 
archbishop ; a protracted coolness, during which 
the king's pew grew gray with dust, and he had 
to baptize and confirm his own children in addition 
to his other work. 

The king now summoned the prelates ; but 



^ THE AGE OF CHIVALRY. , III 

they excused themselves from coming on the 
grounds of previous engagements. Then he 
summoned the nobles also, and gave the prelates 
one more chance, which they decided to avail 
themselves of. Thus the " Constitutions of Clar- 
endon" were adopted in 1 164, and Becket, though 
he at first bolted the action of the convention, 
soon became reconciled and promised to fall into 
line, though he hated it like sin. 

Then the Roman pontiff annulled the consti- 
tutions, and scared Becket back ao-ain into his 
original position. This angered the king, who 
condemned his old archbishop, and he fled to 
France, where he had a tall time. The Pope 
threatened to excommunicate Henry ; but the 
latter told him to go ahead, as he did not fear 
excommunication, having been already twice ex- 
posed to it while young. 

Finally a Becket was banished ; but after six 
years returned, and all seemed again smooth and 
joyous ; but Becket kept up the war indirectly 
against Henry, till one day he exclaimed in his 
wrath, " Is there no one of my subjects who will 
rid me of this insolent priest?" Whereupon four 
loyal knights, who were doubtless of Scotch ex- 
traction, and who therefore could not take a joke, 
thought the king in dead earnest, and actually 
butchered the misguided archbishop in a sickening 
manner before the altar. This was in 1 1 70. 



112 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



Henry, who was in France when this occurred, 
was thoroughly horrified and frightened, no 
doubt. So much so, in fact, that he agreed to 
make a pilgrimage barefoot to the tomb of 







HENRY WALKING TO THE TOMB OF BECKET. 



a Becket ; but even this did not place him upon 
a firm footing with the clergy, who paraded 
a Becket' s assassination on all occasions, and 
thus strengthened this opposition to the king. 



CHAPTER XI. 

CONQUEST OF IRELAND : UNCOMFORTABLE EFFECTS 
FOLLOWING THE CULTIVATION OF AN ACQUIS- 
ITORIAL PROPENSITY. 



IN 1 1 73 occurred the conquest of Ireland, 
anciently called Hibernia. These people 
were similar to the Britons, but of their 
history prior to the year 400 a.d, little is known. 
Before Christ a race of men inhabited Ireland, 
however, who had their own litera- 
ture, and who were advanced in the 
arts. This was before the intro- 
duction of the " early mass" whis- 
kers, and prior to the days 
when the Orangemen had sent 

o 

forth their defiant peal. 

In the fifth century Ireland 
was converted by St. Patrick, 
and she became known as 
the Island of Saints and 
Scholars. To say that she 
has become the island of 
pugilists and policemen to- 
day would be unjust, and 




10* 



EARLY MASS WHISKERS. 

"3 



114 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

to say that she has more influence in America 
than in Ireland would be unkind. Surely her 
modern history is most pathetic. 

For three centuries the island was harassed by 
the Danes and Northmen ; but when the Marquis 
of Queensberry rules were adopted, the latter 
threw up the sponge. The finish fight occurred 
at Clontarf, near Dublin. 

Henry had written permission from the Pope to 
conquer Ireland years and years before he cared 
to do it. Sometimes it rained, and at other times 
he did not feel like it, so that his permission got 
almost worn out by carrying it about with him. 

In 1 1 72, however, an Irish chief, or subordinate 
king, had trouble with his kingdom, — doubtless 
because some rival monarch stepped in it and 
tracked it around over the other kingdoms, — and 
so he called upon the Anglo-Normans under 
Strongbow (Richard de Clare), whose declaration 
of Independence was the first thing of the kind 
known to civilization, for help. While assisting the 
Irish chief, Strongbow noticed a royal wink on the 
features of Henry, and acting upon it proceeded 
to gather in the other precincts of Ireland. Thus, 
in 1 1 72, the island was placed under the rule of 
a viceroy sent there by England. 

Henry now had trouble with three of his sons, 
Henry, Richard, and Geoffrey, who threatened 
that if the old gentleman did not divide up his 



ii6 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



kingdom among them they would go to Paris 
and go into the roue business. Henry himself 
was greatly talked about, and his name coupled 
with that of fair Rosamond Clifford, a rival of 
Queen Eleanor. The king refused to grant the 
request of his sons, and bade them go ahead with 
their roue enterprises so long as they did not enter 
into competition with him. 

So they went to Paris, where their cuttings-up 
were not noticed. The queen took their side, as 
also did Louis of France and William, King of 
Scotland. With the Becket difficulty still keeping 




THE UNHAPPY FATHER SANK INTO THE GRAVE. 



CONQUEST OF IRELAND. 1 17 

him awake of nights also, the king was in con- 
stant hot water, and for a time it seemed that he 
would have to seek other employment ; but his 
masterly hit in making a barefooted pilgrimage to 
the tomb of Becket, thus securing absolution from 
the Archbishop of Canterbury, turned the tide. 

William of Scotland was made a prisoner in 
1 1 74, and the confederacy against the king broken 
up. Thus, in 1 175, the castle at Edinburgh came 
into the hands of the English, and roast beef was 
substituted for oats. Irish and Scotch whiskey 
were now introduced into the national policy, 
and bits of bright English humor, with foot-notes 
for the use of the Scots, were shipped to Edin- 
burgh. 

Henry had more trouble with his sons, however, 
and they embittered his life as the sons of a too- 
frolicsome father are apt to do. Henry Jr. died 
repentant ; but Geoffrey perished in his sins in a 
tournament, although generally the tournament 
was supposed to be conducive to longevity. 
Richard was constitutionally a rebel, and at last 
compelled the old gentleman to yield to a humil- 
iating treaty with the French in 11 89. Finding 
in the list of the opposing forces the name of 
John, his young favorite son, the poor old bat- 
tered monarch, in 11 89, selected an unoccupied 
grave and took possession of same. 

He cursed his sons and died miserably, deserted 



ii8 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



by his followers, who took such clothing as fitted 
them best, and would have pawned the throne 
had it not been out of style and unavailable for 
that purpose, beside being secured to the castle. 
His official life was creditable to a high degree, 




m¥'/''edt 



WHEN RICHARD WAS SICK THB GENEROUS SULTAN SENT HIM FRUITS AND ICB. 



but his private life seemed to call loudly for a 
good, competent disinfectant. 

Richard Kyitr diih le ong, as the French have 
it, or Richard I, of the lion heart, reigned in his 
father's stead from 1189 ^^ ^^99- His reign 
opened with a disagreeable massacre. The Jews, 
who had brought him some presents to wear at 
his inaugural ball, were insulted by the populace, 



CONQUEST OF IRELAND. 1 19 

who believed that the king favored a massacre, 
and so many were put to death. 

Richard and PhiHp of France organized a 
successful crusade against people who were not 
deemed orthodox, and succeeded in bagging a 
good many in Syria, where the woods were full 
of infidels. 

Richard, however, was so overbearing that 
Philip could not get along with him, and they 
dissolved partnership ; but Richard captured As- 
calon after this. His army was too much reduced, 
however, to capture Jerusalem. 

Saladin, the opposing sultan, was a great ad- 
mirer of Richard, and when the lion-hearted king 
was ill, sent him fruits and even ice, so the his- 
torian says. Where the Saracens got their ice at 
that time we can only surmise. 

Peace was established, and the pilgrims who 
desired to enter the holy city were unmolested. 
This matter was settled in 1192. 

On his return Richard was compelled to go 
incog, through Germany, as the authorities were 
opposed to him. He was discovered and con- 
fined till a large ransom was paid. 

Philip and John, the king's brother, decided 
that Richard's extremity was their opportunity, 
and so concluded to divide up his kingdom be- 
tween them. At this dramatic moment Richard, 
having paid his sixty thousand pounds ransom 



I20 



HISTOR V OF ENGLAND. 



and tipped his custodian, entered the EngHsh 
arena, and the jig was up. John was obHged to 
ask pardon, and Richard generously gave it, with 
the exclamation, " Oh, that I could forget his 
injuries as soon as he will my forgiveness !" 




RICHARD TRAVELLING INCOG. THROUGH GERMANY. 



Richard never secured a peace with Philip, but 
died, in 1 199, from the effects of a wound received 
in France, and when but forty-two years of age. 
The longevity among monarchs of the present 
day is indeed gratifying when one reads of the 
brief lives of these old reigners, for it surely 



CONQUEST OF IRELAND. 121 

demonstrates that royalty, when not carried to 
excess, is rather conducive to health than other- 
wise. 

Richard died from the effects of an arrow 
wound, and all his foes in this engagement were 
hanged, except the young warrior who had given 
him his death wound. Doubtless this was done 
to encourage good marksmanship. 

England got no benefit from Richard's great 
daring and expensive picnics in Palestine ; but 
of course he advertised Great Britain, and fright- 
ened foreign powers considerably. The taxation 
necessary to maintain an army in the Holy Land, 
where board was high, kept England poor ; but 
every one was proud of Richard, because he 
feared not the face of clay. 

John, the disagreeable brother, succeeded Rich- 
ard, and reigned seventeen years, though his 
nephew, Arthur, the son of Geoffrey, was the 
rightful heir. Philip, who kept himself in pocket- 
money by starting one-horse rebellions against 
England, joined with Arthur long enough to 
effect a treaty, in 1200, which kept him in gro- 
ceries several years, when he again brought 
Prince Arthur forward ; but this was disastrous, 
for the young prince was captured and cruelly 
assassinated by request of his affectionate uncle. 
King John. 

To be a relative of the king in those good old 



122 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 




JOHN CAUSED ARTHUR TO BE CRUELLY MURDERED. 



days was generally fatal. Let us rejoice that 
times have so greatly improved, and that the 
wicked monarch has learned to seat himself gin- 
gerly upon his bomb-infested throne. 



CHAPTER XII. 

MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED : SLIGHT DIFFICULTIES 
ENCOUNTERED IN OVERCOMING AN UNPOPULAR 
AND UNREASONABLE PREJUDICE. 

PHILIP called the miserable monarch to ac- 
count for the death of Arthur, and, as a 
result, John lost his French possessions. 
Hence the weak and wicked son of Henry Plan- 
tagenet, since called Lackland, ceased to be a 
tax-payer in France, and proved to a curious 
world that a court fool in his household was 
superfluous. 

John now became mixed up in a fracas with the 
Roman pontiff, who would have been justified in 
giving him a Roman punch. Why he did not, no 
Roman knows. 

On the death of the Archbishop of Canterbury 
in 1205, Stephen Langton was elected to the 
place, with a good salary and use of the rectory. 
John refused to confirm the appointment, whereat 
Innocent III., the pontiff, closed the churches and 
declared a general lock-out. People were denied 
Christian burial in 1208, and John was excom- 
municated in 1209. 

123 



124 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



Philip united with the Pope, and together they 
raised the temperature for John so that he yielded 
to the Roman pontiff, and in 12 13 agreed to pay 




KING JOHN SIGNS THE MAGNA CHARTA. 



him a comfortable tribute. The French king at- 
tempted to conquer England, but was defeated 
in a great naval battle in the harbor of Damme. 
Philip afterwards admitted that the English were 



MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED. 1 25 

not conquered by a Damme site ; but the Pope 
absolved him for two dollars. 

It was now decided by the royal subjects that 
John should be still further restrained, as he had 
disgraced his nation and soiled his ermine. So 
the barons raised an army, took London, and at 
Runnymede, June 15, 12 15, compelled John to 
sign the famous Magna Charta, giving his sub- 
jects many additional rights to the use of the 
climate, and so forth, which they had not known 
before. 

Among other things the right of trial by his 
peers was granted to the freeman ; and so, out 
of the mental and moral chaos and general stra- 
bismus of royal justice, everlasting truth and 
human rights arose. 

Scarcely was the ink dry on Magna Charta, 
and hardly had the king returned his tongue to 
its place after signing the instrument, when he 
began to organize an army of foreign soldiers, 
with which he laid waste with fire and sword the 
better part of " Merrie Englande." 

But the barons called on Philip, the general 
salaried Peacemaker Plenipotentiary, who sent 
his son Louis with an army to overtake John and 
punish him severely. The king was overtaken 
by the tide and lost all his luggage, treasure, hat- 
box, dress-suit case, return ticket, annual address, 
shoot-o-uns, stab-knives, rollino- stock, and cata- 

II* 



126 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

pults, together with a fine flock of battering- 
rams. 

This loss broueht on a fever, of which he died, 
in 1 216 A.D., after eighteen years of reign and 
wind. 

A good execrator could here pause a few weeks 
and do well. 

History holds but few such characters as John, 
who was not successful even in crime. He may 
be regarded roughly as the royal poultice who 
brought matters to a head in England, and who, 
by means of his treachery, cowardice, and phe- 
nomenal villany, acted as a counter-irritant upon 
the malarial surface of the body politic. 

After the death of John, the Earl of Pembroke, 
who was Marshal of England, caused Henry, the 
nine-year-old son of the late king, to be promptly 
crowned. 

Pembroke was chosen protector, and so served 
till 1 2 19, when he died, and was succeeded by 
Hubert de Burgh. Louis, with the French forces, 
had been defeated and driven back home, so 
peace followed. 

Henry III. was a weak king, as is too well 
known, but was kind. He behaved well enough 
till about 1 23 1, when he began to ill-treat de 
Burgh. 

He became subservient to the French element 
and his wife's relatives from Provence (pronounced 



MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED. 



127 



Provongs). He imported officials by the score, 
and Eleanor's family never released their hold 
upon the public teat night or day. They would 




THE PROMPT CORONATION OF THE NINE-YEAR-OLD KING HENRY. 



cry bitterly if deprived of same even for a mo- 
ment. This was about the year 1236. 

Besides this, and feeling that more hot water 
was necessary to keep up a ruddy glow, the king 



128 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

was held tightly beneath the thumb of the Pope. 
Thus Italy claimed and secured the fat official 
positions in the church. The pontiff gave Henry 
the crown of Sicily with a C.O.D. on it, which 
Henry could not raise without the assistance of 
Parliament. Parliament did not like this, and the 
barons called upon him one evening with concealed 
brass knuckles and things, and compelled him to 
once more comply with the regulations of Magna 
Charta, which promise he rigidly adhered to until 
the committee had turned the first corner outside 
the royal lawn. 

Possessing peculiar gifts as a versatile liar and 
boneless coward, and being entirely free from the 
milk of human kindness or bowels of compassion, 
his remains were eagerly sought after and yearned 
for by scientists long before he decided to aban- 
don them. 

Again, in 1258, he was required to submit to 
the requests of the barons ; but they required too 
much this time, and a civil war followed. 

Simon de Montfort, Earl of Leicester, at the 
head of the rebellious barons, won a victory over 
the king in 1264, and took the monarch and his 
son Edward prisoners. 

Leicester now ruled the kingdom, and not only 
called an extra session of Parliament, but in 1265 
admitted representatives of the towns and bor- 
oughs, thereby instituting the House of Commons, 



i 30 HISTOR V OF ENGLAND. 

where self-made men miofht sit on the small of the 
back with their hats on and cry " Hear ! Hear !" 

The House of Commons is regarded as the 
bulwark of civil and political liberty, and when 
under good police regulations is still a great boon. 

Prince Edward escaped from jail and organized 
an army, which in 1265 defeated the rebels, and 
Leicester and his son were slain. The wicked 
soldiery wreaked their vengeance upon the body 
of the fallen man, for they took great pride in 
their prowess as wreakers ; but in the hearts of 
the people Leicester was regarded as a martyr to 
their cause. 

Henry III. was now securely seated once more 
upon his rather restless throne, and as Edward 
had been a good boy for some time, his father 
gave him permission to visit the Holy Land, in 
1270, with Louis of France, who also wished to 
go to Jerusalem and take advantage of the low 
Jewish clothing market. In 1272 Henry died, 
during the absence of his son, after fifty-six years 
of vacillation and timidity. He was the kind of 
king who would sit up half of the night trying to 
decide which boot to pull off first, and then, with 
a deep-drawn sigh, go to bed with them on. 

Edward, surnamed " Longshanks," having col- 
lected many antiques, and cut up a few also, 
returned and took charo-e of the throne. He 
found England prosperous and the Normans 



MAGNA CHARTA INTRODUCED. 



131 



and Saxons now thoroughly united and homo- 
geneous. Edward did not hurry home as some 
would have done, but sent word to have his 
father's funeral made as cheery as possible, and 
remained over a year in Italy and France. He 




LONGSHANKS RECEIVES TIDINGS OF HIS FATHER S DEATH. 



was crowned in 1274. In a short time, however, 
he had trouble with the Welsh, and in 1282, in 
battle, the Welsh prince became somehow en- 
tangled with his own name so that he tripped 
and fell, and before he could recover his feet was 
slain. 



132 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



Wales having been annexed to the crown, 
Edward's son was vested with its government, 
and the heir-apparent has ever since been called 
the Prince of Wales. It is a good position, but 
becomes irksome after fifty or sixty years, it is 
said. 




CONQUEST OF WALES. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED : ILLUSTRATING 
THE AMIABILITY OF THE JEW AND THE PER- 
VERSITY OF THE SCOT. 

IN 1278 the Jews, to the number of two hun- 
dred and eighty, were hanged for having in 
their possession clipped coins. Shortly after- 
wards all the Jews in England were imprisoned. 
Whenever times were hard the Jews were impris- 
oned, and on one job lot alone twelve thousand 
pounds were realized in ransom. And still the 
Jews are not yet considered as among the re- 
deemed. In 1290 they were all banished from 
the kingdom and their property seized by the 
crown. This seizure of real estate turned the 
attention of the Jews to the use of diamonds as 
an investment. For four hundred years the Jews 
were not permitted to return to England. 

Scotch wars were kept up during the rest of Ed- 
ward's reign ; but in 1291, with great reluctance, 
Scotland submitted, and Baliol, whose trouble with 
Bruce had been settled in favor of the former, 
was placed upon the throne. But the king was 
overbearing to Baliol, insomuch that the Scotch 

12 133 



134 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

joined with the Normans in war with England, 
which resulted, in 1293, in the destruction of the 
Norman navy. 

Philip then subpoenaed Edward, as Duke of 
Guienne, to show cause why he should not pay 
damages for the loss of the navy, which could 
not be replaced for less than twenty pounds, and 
finally wheedled Edward out of the duchy. 

Philip maintained a secret understanding with 
Baliol, however, and Edward called a parliament, 
founded upon the great principle that "what 
concerns all should be approved by all." This 
was in 1295 ; and on this declaration, so far as 
successful government is concerned, hang all the 
law and the profits. 

The following year Edward marched into Scot- 
land, where he captured Baliol and sent him to 
France, where he died, in boundless obscurity, in 
1297. Baliol was succeeded by the brave William 
Wallace, who won a great battle at Stirling, but 
was afterwards defeated entirely at Falkirk, and 
in 1305 was executed in London by request. 

But the Scotch called to their aid Robert Bruce, 
the grandson of Baliol' s competitor, and he was 
solemnly crowned at the Abbey of Scone. 

During a successful campaign against these peo- 
ple Edward fell sick, and died in 1307. He left 
orders for the Scottish war to be continued till that 
restless and courageous people were subdued. 



136 HISTORY OF ENGLAND, 

Edward was called the English Justinian ; yet 
those acts for which he is most famous were re- 
luctantly done because of the demands made by 
a determined people. 

During his reign gunpowder was discovered by 
Roger Bacon, whereby Guy Fawkes was made 
possible. Without him England would still be a 
slumbering fog-bank upon the shores of Time. 

Young Edward was not much of a monarch. 
He forgot to fight the Scots, and soon Robert 
Bruce had won back the fortresses taken by the 
English, and Edward II., under the influence of 
an attractive trifler named Gaveston, dawdled 
away his days and frittered away his nights. 
Finally the nobles, who disliked Gaveston, cap- 
tured him and put him in Warwick Castle, and in 
1 3 1 2 the royal favorite was horrified to find near 
him a large pool of blood, and on a further search 
discovered his own head lying in the gutter of the 
court. Turning sick at the gory sight, he buried 
his face in his handkerchief and expired. 

The nobles were forgiven afterwards by the 
king, who now turned his attention to the vic- 
torious Scots. 

Stirlinof Castle and the Fortress of Berwick 
alone remained to the English, and Robert Bruce 
was besieging the latter. 

The English, numbering one hundred thousand, 
at Bannockburn fought against thirty thousand 



FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED. 1 37 




ROGER BACON DISCOVERS GUNPOWDER. 



Scots. Bruce sur- 
prised the cavalry 
with deep pits, and 
before the EngHsh 
could recover from 
this, an approach- 
ing reinforcement for the Scotch was seen coming 
over the hill. This consisted of "supes," with 
banners and bagpipes ; and though they were 
really teamsters in disguise, their hostile appear- 
ance and the depressing music of the bagpipes 
so shocked the English that they did not stop 
running until they reached Berwick. The king 
came around to Berwick from Dunbar by steamer, 
thus saving his life, and obtaining much-needed 
rest on board the boat.* 

* Doubtless this is an error, so far as the steamer is concerned ; but the 
statement can do no harm, and the historian cannot be positive in matters 
of this kind at all times, for the strain upon his memory is too great. The 
critic, too, should not be forgotten in a work of this kind. He must do 
something to support his family, or he will become disliked. — Author. 

12* 



138 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



Edward found himself now on the verge of 
open war with Ireland and Wales, and the pop- 
ulation of the Isle of Wight and another person, 
whose name is not given, threatened to declare 
war. The English nobles, too, were insubordi- 
nate, and the king, who had fallen under the 
influence of a man named Spencer and his father, 
was required by the best society, headed by Lan- 
caster, to exile both of these wicked advisers. 

Afterwards the king attacked Lancaster with 
his army, and having captured him, had him 
executed in 1322. 




THE UNFORTUNATE KING WAS TREATED WITH REVOLTING CRUELTY. 



FURTHER DISAGREEMENTS RECORDED. 1 39 

The Spencers now returned, and the queen 
began to cut up strangely and create talk. She 
formed the acquaintance of Roger Mortimer, who 
consented to act as her paramour. They organ- 
ized a scheme to throw off the Spencers and de- 
throne Edward the Thinkless, her husband, in 

1325. 
Any one who has tried to be king even for a 

few weeks under the above circumstances must 

agree with the historian that it is no moonlight 

frolic. 

Edward fled to Wales, but in 1326 was re- 
quested to come home and remain in jail there, 
instead of causing a scandal by staying away and 
spending his money in Wales. He was confined 
in Kenilworth Castle, while his son was ostensibly 
king, though his wife and Mortimer really man- 
aged the kingdom and behaved in a scandalous 
way, Mortimer wearing the king's clothes, shav- 
ing with his razor, and winding the clock every 
night as though he owned the place.* This was 
in 1327. 

In September the poor king was put to death 
by co-respondent Mortimer in a painful and sick- 
ening manner, after having been most inhumanly 

*The clock may safely be omitted from the above account, as later 
information would indicate that this may be an error, though there is no 
doubt that Mortimer at this time wore out two suits of the king's pajamas. 
— Author. 



140 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



treated in Berkeley Castle, whither he had been 
removed. 

Thus ends the sad history of a monarch who 
might have succeeded in a minor position on a 
hen farm, but who made a beastly fluke in the 
king business. 

The assurance of Mortimer in treating the king 
as he did is a blot upon the fair page of history in 
high life. Let us turn over a new leaf. 




ON A HEN FARM. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH : INTERMINABLE DIS- 
SENSION, ASSISTED BY THE PLAGUE, CONTINUES 
REDUCING THE POPULATION. 

IT is a little odd, but it is true, that Edward III. 
was crowned at fourteen and married at fif- 
teen years of age. Princes in those days 
were affianced as soon as they were weighed, and 
married before they got their eyes open, though 
even yet there are many people who do not get 
their eyes opened until after marriage. Edward 
married Philippa, daughter of the Count of 
Hainault, to whom he had been engaged while 
teething. 

In 1328 Mortimer mixed up matters with the 
Scots, by which he relinquished his claim to Scotch 
homage. Being still the gentleman friend of 
Isabella, the regent, he had great influence. He 
assumed, on the ratification of the above treaty 
by Parliament, the title of Earl of March. 

The young prince rose to the occasion, and 

directed several of his nobles to forcibly drag the 

Earl of March from the apartments of the guilty 

pair, and in 1330 he became the Earl of Double- 

141 




^ 



IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH. 1 43 

Quick March — a sort of forced March — towards 
the gibbet, where he was last seen trying to stand 
on the English climate. The queen was kept in 
close confinement during the rest of her life, and 
the morning papers of that time contained nothing 
of a social nature recrardine her doingrs. 

The Scots, under David Bruce, were defeated 
at Halidon Hill in 1333, and Bruce fled to France. 
Thus ao-ain under a vassal of the Eno-lish kine, 
Edward Baliol by name, the Scotch crooked the 
reluctant hinges of the knee. 

Edward now claimed to be a more direct heir 
through Queen Isabella than Philip, the cousin of 
Charles IV., who occupied the throne, so he pro- 
ceeded to vindicate himself against King Philip 
in the usual way. He destroyed the French fleet 
in 1 340, defeated Philip, though with inferior num- 
bers, at Crecy, and demonstrated for the first time 
that cannon could be used with injurious results 
on the enemy. 

In 1346 the Black Prince, as Edward was 
called, on account of the color of the Russia 
iron used in making his mackintosh, may be said 
to have commenced his brilliant military career. 
He captured Calais, — the key to France, — and 
made it a flourishing English city and a market 
for wool, leather, tin, and lead. It so continued 
for two hundred years. 

The Scotch considered this a good time to 



144 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



regain their independence, and David Bruce took 
charge of the enterprise, but was defeated at 
Neville's Cross, in 1346, and taken prisoner. 

Philippa here distinguished herself during the ab- 
sence of the king, by encouraging the troops and 




EDWARD DEMONSTRATED AT THE BATTLE OF CRECY THAT CANNON COULD BE 
USED WITH VIGOROUS RESULTS. 

making a telling equestrian speech to them before 
the battle. After the capture of Bruce, too, she 
repaired to Calais, where she prevented the king's 
disgraceful execution of six respectable citizens 
who had been sent to surrender the city. 

During a truce between the English and 
French, England was visited by the Black Death, 



146 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



a plague that came from Asia and bade fair to 
depopulate the country. London lost fifty thou- 
sand people, and at times there were hardly 
enough people left to bury the dead or till the 
fields. This contagion occurred in 1349, and 
even attacked the domestic animals. 




NO MONARCH OF SPIRIT CARES TO HAVE HIS THRONE PULLED FROM UNDER 
HIM JUST AS HE IS ABOUT TO OCCUPY IT. 

John having succeeded Philip in France, in 
1350 Edward made another effort to recover the 
French throne ; but no monarch of spirit cares to 
have his throne pulled from beneath him just as 
he is about to occupy it, and so, when the Black 
Prince began to burn and plunder southern 
France, his father made a similar excursion from 
Calais, in 1355. 



IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH. 1 47 

The next year the Black Prince sent twelve 
thousand men into the heart of France, where 
they met an army of sixty thousand, and the 
English general offered all his conquests cheer- 
fully to John for the privilege of returning to 
England ; but John overstepped himself by de- 
manding an unconditional surrender, and a battle 
followed in which the French were whipped out 
of their boots and the king captured. We should 
learn from this to know when we have enough. 

This battle was memorable because the English 
loss was mostly confined to the common soldiery, 
while among the French it was peculiarly fatal to 
the nobility. Two dukes, nineteen counts, five 
thousand men-at-arms, and eight thousand infantry 
were killed, and a bobtail flush royal was found to 
have been bagged as prisoners. 

For four years John was a prisoner, but well 
treated. He was then allowed to resume his 
renovated throne ; but failing to keep good his 
promises to the English, he came back to London 
by request, and died there in 1364. 

The war continued under Charles, the new 
French monarch ; and though Edward was an 
able and courteous foe, in 1370 he became so 
irritated because of the revolt of Limoges, not- 
withstanding his former kindness to its people, 
that he caused three thousand of her citizens to 
be put to the sword. 



148 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



The Black Prince fought no more, but after six 
years of illness died, in 1376, with a good record 
for courage and statecraft. His father, the king, 
survived him only a year, expiring in the sixty- 
fifth year of his age, 1377. 

English literature was encouraged during his 
reign, and John Wickliffe, Gower, Chaucer, and 
other men whose genius greatly outstripped their 
orthography were seen to flourish some. 




A STRIKING ILLUSTRATION OF WAT TYLBR'S CONTROVERSY WITH THE TAX RECEIVER. 



IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH. 149 

Edward III. was succeeded by his grandson, 
Richard, and war with France was maintained, 
though Charles the Wise held his own, with the 
aid of the Scotch under Robert II., the first of the 
Stuarts. 

A heavy war-tax was levied per capita at the 
rate of three groats on male and female above 
the age of fifteen, and those who know the value 
of a groat will admit that it was too much. A 
damsel named Tyler, daughter of Wat the Tyler, 
was so badly treated by the assessor that her 
father struck the officer dead with his hammer, in 
1 38 1, and placed himself at the head of a revolt, 
numbering one hundred thousand people, who 
collected on Blackheath. Jack Straw and Rev. 
John Ball also aided in the convention. The lat- 
ter objected to the gentlemen on general prin- 
ciples, claiming that Adam was no gentleman, 
and that Eve had still less claim in that direction.* 

In this outbreak, and during the same year, the 
rebels broke into the city of London, burned the 
palaces, plundered the warehouses, and killed 
off the gentlemen wherever an alibi could not be 

*Rev. John Ball chose as a war-cry and transparency these words : 

" When Adam delved and Eve span, 
Where was then the gentleman ?" 

Those who have tried it in modern times say that to be a gentleman is 
no sinecure, and the well-bred author falls in with this sentiment, though 
still regarding it as a great boon. — Historian. 

13* 



ISO HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

established, winding up with the murder of the 
Archbishop of Canterbury. 

During a conference with Tyler, the king was so 
rudely addressed by Wat, that Walworth, mayor 
of London, struck the rebel with his sword, and 
others despatched him before he knew exactly 
Wat was Wat. 

Richard, to quiet this storm, acceded to the 
rebel demands until he could get his forces to- 
gether, when he ignored his promises in a right 
royal manner in the same year. One of these 
concessions was the abolition of slavery and the 
novel use of wages for farm work. By his fail- 
ure to keep this promise, serfdom continued in 
England four hundred years afterwards. 

Richard now became unpopular, and showed 
signs of worthlessness. He banished his cousin 
Henry, and dispossessed him of his estates. This, 
of course, irritated Henry, who entered England 
while the king was in Ireland, and his forces were 
soon joined by sixty thousand malecontents. 

Poor Richard wandered away to Wales, where 
he was in constant danger of falling off, and after 
living on chestnuts knocked from the high trees 
by means of his sceptre, he returned disgusted 
and took up his quarters in the Tower, where he 
died of starvation in 1400. 

Nothing can be more pathetic than the picture 
of a king crying for bread, yet willing to com- 



IRRITABILITY OF THE FRENCH. 



151 



promise on tarts. A friendless king sitting on 
the hard stone floor of the Tower, after years 
spent on board of an elastic throne with rockers 




A FRIENDLESS KING SITTING ON THE HARD STONE FLOOR OF THE TOWER. 



under it, would move even the hardened historian 
to tears. (A brief intermission is here offered 
for unavailing tears.) 



CHAPTER XV. 

MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS : ONWARD MARCH OF 
CIVILIZATION GRAPHICALLY DELINEATED WITH 
THE historian's USUAL COMPLETENESS. 

THE Plantagenet period saw the establishment 
of the House of Commons, and cut off the 
power of the king to levy taxes without the 
consent of Parliament. It also exchanged the ju- 
dicial rough-and-tumble on horseback for the trial 
by jury. Serfdom continued, and a good horse 
would bring more in market than a man. 

Agriculture was still in its infancy, and the 
farmer refused to adopt a new and attractive 
plough because it did not permit the ploughman 
to walk near enough to his team, that he might 
twist the tail of the patient bullock. 

The costumes of the period seem odd, as we 
look back upon them, for the men wore pointed 
shoes with toes tied to the girdle, and trousers 
and coat each of different colors : for instance, 
sometimes one sleeve was black and the other 
white, while the ladies wore tall hats, sometimes 
two feet high, and long trains. They also carried 
two swords in the girdle, doubtless to protect 
them from the nobility. 
152 



154 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



Each house of any size had a " pleasance," and 
the "herberie," or physic garden, which was the 







ASTROLOGY WAS THB FAVORITE STUDY OF THOSE TIMES. 



pioneer of the pie-plant bed, was connected with 
the monasteries. 

Roger Bacon was thrown into prison for having 
too good an education. Scientists in those days 
always ran the risk of being surprised, and more 



MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS. 



155 



than one discoverer wound up by discovering 
himself in jail. 

Astrology was a favorite amusement, especially 
among the young people. 

Henry IV., son of John of Gaunt, fourth son of 
Edward III., became king in 1399, though Edmund 
Mortimer, Earl of March, and great-grandson of 
Lionel, the third son of Edward III., was the 
rightful heir. This boy was detained in Windsor 
Castle by Henry's orders. 

Henry succeeded in catching a heretic, in 1401, 



-Oi 




and burned 
him at the 
stake. This 
was the first 



HENRY PROTECTS THE CHURCH FROM HERESY. 



156 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

person put to death in England for his reHgious 
beHef, and the occasion was the origin of the 
epitaph, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Conspiracies were quite common in those days, 
one of them being organized by Harry Percy, 
called " Hotspur" because of his irritability. The 
ballad of Chevy Chase was founded upon his 
exploits at the battle of Otterburn, in 1388. The 
Percys favored Mortimer, and so united with the 
Welsh and Scots. 

A large fight occurred at Shrewsbury in 1403. 
The rebels were defeated and Percy slain. North- 
umberland was pardoned, and tried it again, as- 
sisted by the Archbishop of York, two years later. 
The archbishop was executed in 1405. Northum- 
berland made another effort, but was defeated and 
slain. 

In 141 3 Henry died, leaving behind him the 
record of a fraudulent sovereign who was parsi- 
monious, sour, and superstitious, without virtue 
or religion. 

He was succeeded by his successor, which was 
customary at that time. Henry V. was his son, 
a youth who was wild and reckless. He had been 
in jail for insulting the chief-justice, as a result of 
a drunken frolic and fine. He was real wild and 
bad, and had no more respect for his ancestry 
than a chicken born in an incubator. Yet he 
reformed on taking the throne. 



158 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

Henry now went over to France with a view to 
securing the throne, but did not get it, as it was 
occupied at the time. So he returned ; but at 
Agincourt was surprised by the French army, four 
times as large as his own, and with a loss of forty 
only, he slew ten thousand of the French and cap- 
tured fourteen thousand. What the French were 
doing while this slaughter was going on the mod- 
ern historian has great difficulty in figuring out. 
This battle occurred in 141 5, and two years after 
Henry returned to France, hoping to do equally 
well. He made a treaty at Troyes with the cele- 
brated idiot Charles VI., and promised to marry 
his daughter Catherine, who was to succeed 
Charles upon his death, and try to do better. 
Henry became Regent of France by this ruse, but 
died in 1422, and left his son Henry, less than 
a year old. The king's death was a sad blow to 
England, for he was an improvement on the gen- 
eral run of kings. Henry V. left a brother, the 
Duke of Bedford, who became Protector and 
Regent of France ; but when Charles the Imbecile 
died, his son, Charles VII., rose to the occasion, 
and a war of some years began. After some 
time, Bedford invaded southern France and be- 
sieged Orleans. 

Joan of Arc had been told of a prophecy to the 
effect that France could only be delivered from 
the English by a virgin, and so she, though only 



l6o HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

a peasant girl, yet full of a strange, eager heroism 
which was almost inspiration, applied to the king 
for a commission. 

Inspired by her perfect faith and godlike hero- 
ism, the French fought like tigers, and, in 1429, 
the besiegers went home. She induced the king 
to be crowned in due form at Rheims, and asked 
for an honorable discharge ; but she was detained, 
and the English, who afterwards captured her, 
burned her to death at Rouen, in 1431, on the 
charge of sorcery. Those who did this after- 
wards regretted it and felt mortified. Her death 
did the invaders no good ; but above her ashes, 
and moistened by her tears, — if such a feat were 
possible, — liberty arose once more, and, in 1437, 
Charles was permitted to enter Paris and enjoy 
the town for the first time in twenty years. In 
1444 a truce of six years was established. 

Henry was a disappointment, and, as Bedford 
was dead, the Duke of Gloucester, the king's 
uncle, and Cardinal Beaufort, his guardian, had, 
up to his majority, been the powers behind the 
throne. 

Henry married Margaret of Anjou, a very 
beautiful and able lady, who possessed the qual- 
ities so lacking in the king. They were married 
in 1445, and, if living, this would be the four 
hundred and fifty-first anniversary of their wed- 
ding. It is, anyway. (1896.) 



MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS. 



l6l 



The provinces of Maine and Anjou were given 
by the king in return for Margaret. Henry con- 
tinued to show more and more signs of fatty 



&Sk 




JOAN OP ARC INDUCES THE KING TO BELIEVE THK TRUTH OF HER MISSION. 

degeneration of the cerebrator, and Gloucester, 
who had opposed the marriage, was found dead 
in his prison bed, whither he had been sent at 
Margaret's request. The Duke of York, the 
queen's favorite, succeeded him, and Somerset, 
/ 14* 



1 62 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



another favorite, succeeded York. In 1451 it 
was found that the English had lost all their 
French possessions except Calais. 

Things went from bad to worse, and, in 1450, 
Jack Cade headed an outbreak ; but he was slain, 




RICHARD AND HIS ADHERENTS RAISING AN ARMY FOR THE REDRESS OF GRIEVANCES. 



and the king showing renewed signs of intellect- 
ual fag, Richard, Duke of York, was talked of as 
the people's choice on account of his descent 
from Edward III. He was for a few days Pro- 
tector, but the queen was too strongly opposed 
to him, and he resigned. 

He then raised an army, and in a battle at St. 



MORE SANGUINARY TRIUMPHS. 



163 



Albans, in 1455, defeated the royalists, capturing 
the king. This was the opening of the War of 
the Roses, — so called because as badges the 
Lancastrians wore a red rose and the Yorkists a 
white rose. This war lasted over thirty years, 




BY REQUEST OF MARGARET, HIS HEAD WAS REMOVED FROM HIS BODY TO THE GATES OF YORK. 



164 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

and killed off the nobility like sheep. They were, 
it is said, virtually annihilated, and thus a better 
class of nobility was substituted. 

The king was restored ; but in 1 460 there oc- 
curred the battle of Northampton, in which he 
was defeated and again taken prisoner by the 
Earl of Warwick. 

Margaret was a woman of great spirit, and 
when the Duke of York was given the throne 
she went to Scotland, and in the battle of Wake- 
field her army defeated and captured the duke. 
At her request he was beheaded, and his head, 
ornamented with a paper crown, placed on the 
gates of York, as shown in the rather life-like — or 
death-like — etching on the preceding page. 

The queen was for a time successful, and her 
army earned a slight reputation for cruelty also ; 
but Edward, son of the late Duke of York, em- 
bittered somewhat by the flippant death of his 
father, was soon victorious over the Lancastrians, 
and, in 1461, was crowned King of England at a 
good salary, with the use of a large palace and a 
good well of water and barn. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY I INTRODUCTION 
OF PRINTING AS A SUBSIDIARY AID IN THE 
PROGRESS OF EMANCIPATION. 

HENRY VI. left no royal record worth remem- 
bering save the establishment of Eton and 
King's Colleges, Edward IV., who began 
his reign in 1461, was bold and active. Queen 
Margaret's army of sixty thousand men which 
attacked him was defeated and half her forces 
slaughtered, no quarter being given. 

His title was now confirmed, and Margaret fled 
to Scotland. Three years later she attempted 
again to secure the throne through the aid of 
Louis XL, but failed. Henry, who had been in 
concealment, was now confined in the Tower, as 
shown in the engraving on the following page. 

Edward's marriage was not satisfactory, and, 
as he bestowed all the ofifices on his wife's rela- 
tives, Warwick deserted him and espoused the 
cause of Queen Margaret. 

He had no trouble in raising an army and com- 
pelling Edward to flee. -Henry was taken from 
the Tower and crowned, his rights having been 

16S 



1 66 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



recognized by Parliament. 
Warwick and his son-in- 
law, the Duke of Clarence, 
brother to Edward IV., 
were made regents, there- 
fore, in 1 47 1. Before the 
year was out, how- 
ever, the tables were 
again turned, and 
Henry found himself 
once more in his old 
quarters in theTower. 
Warwick was soon 
defeated and slain, 
and on the same day 
Margaret and her son 
;^^^=_[ Edward landed in England. She 
t'S' * ^' and Edward were defeated and 
2ri taken prisoners at Tewkesbury, and 
the young prince cruelly put to death 
by the Dukes of Clarence and Gloucester, 
brothers of Edward IV. Margaret was 
placed in the Tower, and a day or two after 
Henry died mysteriously there, it 
is presumed at the hands of Glou- 
cester, who was socially an unpleasant man to 
meet after dark. 

Margaret died in France, in 1482, and the 
Lancastrians gave up all hope. Edward, feeling 




HENRY VI. IMPRESSED IN 
THE TOWER. 



UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY. 1 6/ 

again secure, at the instigation of his younger 
brother, Richard, Duke of Gloucester, caused 
Clarence, the other brother, to be put to death, 
and then began to give his entire attention to 
vice, never allowing his reign to get into his rum 
or interfere with it. 

He was a very handsome man, but died, in 
1483, of what the historian calls a distemper. 
Some say he died of heart-failure while sleeping 
off an attack of coma. Anyway, he turned up 
his comatose, as one might say, and passed on 
from a spirituous life to a spiritual one, such as it 
may be. He was a counterfeit sovereign. 

In 1474 the first book was printed in England, 
and more attention was then paid to spelling. 
William Caxton printed this book, — a work on 
chess. The form of the types came from Ger- 
many, and was used till James I. introduced the 
Roman type. James I. took a great interest in 
plain and ornamental job printing, and while try- 
ing to pick a calling card out of the jaws of a 
crude job-press in the early years of his reign, 
contributed a royal thumb to this restless emblem 
of progress and civilization. (See next page.) 

The War of the Roses having destroyed the 
nobility, times greatly improved, and Industry was 
declared constitutional. 

Edward V. at twelve years of age became king, 
and his uncle Dick, Duke of Gloucester, became 



UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY. 1 69 



Protector. As such he was a disgrace, for he 
protected nobody but himself. The young king 
and his brother, the Duke of York, were placed 
in the Tower, and their uncle. Lord Hastings, and 
several other offensive partisans, on the charge of 
treason, were executed in 1483. He then made 
arrangements that he should be urged to accept 
the throne, and with a coy and reluctant grace 
peculiar to this gifted assassin, he caused himself 
to be proclaimed Richard III. 

Richard then caused the young princes to be 
smothered in their beds, in what is now called the 
Bloody Tower. The Duke of Buckingham was 
at first loaded with honors in return for his gory 
assistance ; but even he became disgusted with 
the wicked usurper, and headed a Welsh rebel- 
lion. He was not successful, and, in 
1483, he received a slight testimonial 
from the king, as portrayed by the 
gifted artist of this work. The sur- 
prise and sorrow shown on the face 
of the duke, together 
with his thrift and 
economy in keeping 
his cigar from being 
spattered, and his 
determination that, 
although he might 
be put out, the cigar 




DEATH OF BUCKINGHAM. 



15 



I/O 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



should not be, prove him to have been a man of 
great force of character for a duke. 

Richard now espoused his niece, daughter of 
Edward IV., and in order to make the home 
nest perfectly free from social erosion, he caused 




STONE COFFIN OF RICHARD III. 



his consort, Anne, to be poisoned. Those who 
believed the climate around the throne to be 
bracing and healthful had a chance to change 
their views in a land where pea-soup fog can 
never enter. Anne was the widow of Edward, 
whom Richard slew at Tewkesbury. 

Every one felt that Richard was a disgrace to 
the country, and Henry, Earl of Richmond, sue- 



UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY. 171 

ceeded in defeating and slaying the usurper on 
Bos worth Field, in 1485, when Henry was crowned 
on the battle-field. 

Richard was buried at Leicester ; but during the 
reign of Henry VIII. , when the monasteries were 
destroyed, Richard's body was exhumed and his 
stone coffin used for many years in that town as 
a horse-trough. 

Shakespeare and the historians give an un- 
pleasant impression regarding Richard's person- 
ality ; but this was done in the interests of the 
Tudors, perhaps. He was highly intelligent, and 
if he had given less attention to usurpation, would 
have been more popular. 

Under the administrations of the houses of 
Lancaster and York serfdom was abolished, as 
the slaves who were armed during the War of 
the Roses would not submit again to slavery 
after they had fought for their country. 

Agriculture suffered, and some of the poor had 
to subsist upon acorns and wild roots. During 
those days Whittington was thrice Lord Mayor 
of London, though at first only a poor boy. 
Even in the land of lineage this poor lad, with 
a cat and no other means of subsistence, won his 
way to fame and fortune. 

The manufacture of wool encouraged the grow- 
ing of sheep, and, in 1455, silk began to attract 
attention. 



1/2 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



During his reign Richard had known what it 
was to need money, and the rich merchants and 
pawnbrokers were familiar with his countenance 
when he came after office hours to negotiate a 
small loan. 




RICHARD HAS A CONFERENCE WITH THE MONEY-LENDER. 



Science spent a great deal of surplus energy 
experimenting on alchemy, and the Philosopher's 
Stone, as well as the Elixir of Life, attracted much 
attention ; but, as neither of these commodities 



UNPLEASANT CAPRICES OF ROYALTY. 1 73 

are now on the market, it is presumed that they 
were never successful. 

Printing may be regarded as the most valuable 
discovery during those bloody years, showing 
that Peace hath her victories no less than War, 
and from this art came the most powerful and 
implacable enemy to Ignorance and its attendant 
crimes that Progress can call its own. 

No two authors spelled alike at that time, how- 
ever, and the literature of the day was character- 
ized by the most startling originality along that 
line. 

The drama began to bud, and the chief roles 
were taken by the clergy. They acted Bible 
scenes interspersed with local witticisms, and 
often turned away money. 

Afterwards followed what were called Moral 
Plays, in which the bad man always suffered 
intensely on a small salary. 

The feudal castles disappeared, and new and 
more airy architecture succeeded them. A better 
class of furniture also followed ; but it was very 
thinly scattered through the rooms, and a person 
on rising from his bed in the night would have 
some difficulty in falling over anything. Tidies 
on the chairs were unknown, and there was only 
tapestry enough to get along with in a sort of 
hand-to-mouth way. 



IS* 



CHAPTER XVII. 



BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III. : BEING AN ALLEGORICAL 
PANEGYRIC OF THE INCONTROVERTIBLE MACHI- 
NATIONS OF AN EGOTISTICAL USURPER. 



E will now write out a few 

personal recollections of 

Richard III. This great 

monarch, of whom so much 

has been said pro and con, — 

but mostly con, — was born at 

Fotheringhay Castle, October 

2, 1452, in the presence of his 

parents and a physician whose 

name has at this moment escaped 

the treacherous memory of the 

historian. 

Richard was the son of Richard, 
Duke of York, and Cecily Neville, daughter of 
the Earl of Westmoreland, his father being the 
legitimate heir to the throne by descent in the 
female line, so he was the head of the Yorkists in 
the War of the Roses. 

Richard's father, the Duke of York, while 
struggling one day with Henry VI,, the royal 

»74 




RICHARD III. 



BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III 175 

jackass that flourished in 1460, prior to the con- 
quest of the Fool-Killer, had the misfortune, while 
trying to wrest the throne from Henry, to get 
himself amputated at the second joint. He was 
brought home in two pieces, and ceased to draw 
a salary as a duke from that on. This cast a 
gloom over Richard, and inspired in his breast a 
strong desire to cut off the heads of a few casual 
acquaintances. 

He was but eight years of age at this time, 
and was taken prisoner and sent to Utrecht, 
Holland. He was returned in good order the 
following year. His elder brother Edward hav- 
ing become king, under the title of Edward IV., 
Richard was then made Duke of Gloucester, 
Lord High Admiral, Knight of the Garter, and 
Earl of Balmoral. 

It was at this time that he made the celebrated 
bon-mot relative to dogs as pets. 

Having been out the evening before attending 
a watermelon recital in the country, and having 
contributed a portion of his clothing to a barbed- 
wire fence and the balance to an open-faced 
Waterbury bull-dog, some one asked him what he 
thought of the dog as a pet. 

Richard drew himself up to his full height, and 
said that, as a rule, he favored the dog as a pet, 
but that the man who got too intimate with the 
common low-browed bull-dog of the fifteenth 



1/6 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 




century would find that it 
must certainly hurt 
him in the end. 

He resided for 
several years under 
the tutelage of the 
Earl of Warwick, who 
was called the "King- 
maker," and after- 
wards, in 1470, fled 
to Flanders, remain- 
ing fled for some 
time. He c o m- 
manded the van of 
the Yorkist army at 
the battle of Barnet, April 14, 1471, and Tewkes- 
bury, May 4, fighting gallantly at both places on 
both sides, it is said, and admitting it in an article 
which he wrote for an English magazine. 

He has been accused of having murdered 
Prince Albert after the battle, and also his father, 
Henry VI., in the Tower a few days later, but it 
is not known to be a fact. 

Richard was attainted and outlawed by Parlia- 
ment at one time ; but he was careful about what 
he ate, and didn't get his feet wet, so, at last, 
having a good preamble and constitution, he 
pulled through. 

He married his own cousin, Anne Neville, who 



THE MAN WHO GOT TOO INTIMATE WITH THE COMMON 
LOW-BROWED BULL-DOG. 



BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III 



177 



made a first-rate queen. She got so that it was 
no trouble at all for her to reign while Dick was 
away attending to his large slaughtering interests. 

Richard at this time was made Lord Hiofh Con- 
stable and Keeper of the Pound. He was also 
Justiciary of North Wales, Seneschal of the 
Duchy of Lancaster, and Chief of Police on the 
North Side. 

His brother Clarence was successfully executed 
for treason in February, 1478, and Richard, with- 
out a moment's hesitation, came to the front and 
inherited the estates. 

Richard had a stormy time of it up to 1481, 




RICHARD HAD A STORMY TIMB. 



178 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

when he was made "protector and defender of 
the realm" early in May. He then proceeded 
with a few neglected executions. This list was 
headed — or rather beheaded — by Lord Chamber- 
lain Hastings, who tendered his resignation in a 
pail of saw-dust soon after Richard became " pro- 
tector and defender of the realm." Richard laid 
claim to the throne in June, on the grounds of 
the illegitimacy of his nephews, and was crowned 
July 6. So was his queen. They sat on this 
throne for some time, and each had a sceptre with 
which to welt their subjects over the head and 
keep off the flies in summer. Richard could 
wield a sceptre longer and harder, it is said, than 
any other middle-weight monarch known to his- 
tory. The throne used by Richard is still in exist- 
ence, and has an aperture in it containing some 
very old gin. 

The reason this gin was left, it is said, was that 
he was suddenly called away from the throne and 
never lived to eet back. No monarch should 
ever leave his throne in too much of a hurry. 

Richard made himself very unpopular in 1485 
by his forced loans, as they were called : a system 
of assessing a man after dark with a self-cocking 
writ and what was known as the headache-stick, 
a small weapon which was worn up the sleeve 
during the day, and which was worn behind the 
ear by the loyal subject after nightfall. It was a 



BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III 



179 



common sight, so says the historian, to hear the 
nightfall and the headache-stick fall at the same 
time. 




THEY SAT ON THE THRONE FOR SOME TIME. 



The queen died in 1485, and Richard thought 
some of marrying again ; but it got into the 
newspapers because he thought of it while a 
correspondent was going by, who heard it and 
telegraphed his paper who the lady was and all 



i8o 



HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 



about it. This scared Richard out, and he 
changed his mind about marrying, concluding, 
as a mild substitute, to go into battle at Bosworth 
and get killed all at once. He did so on the 2 2d 
of August. 







A MILD SUBSTITUTE FOR SECOND MARRIAGB. 



After his death it was found that he had rolled 
up his pantaloons above his knees, so that he 
would not get gore on them. This custom was 
afterwards generally adopted in England. 

He was buried by the nuns of Leicester in their 
chapel, Richmond then succeeding him as king. 
He was buried in the usual manner, and a large 
amount of obloquy heaped on him. 



BIOGRAPHY OF RICHARD III. 



i8i 



That is one advantage of being great. After 
one's grave is filled up, one can have a large 
three-cornered chunk of obloquy put on the top 
of it to mark the spot and keep medical students 
away of nights. 

Greatness certainly has its drawbacks, as the 
Duchess of Bloomer once said to the author, after 
she had been sitting on a dry-goods box with a 
nail in it, and had, therefore, called forth adverse 
criticism. An unknown man might have sat on 
that same dry-goods box and hung on the same 
nail till he was black in the face without causing 
remarks, but with the Duchess of Bloomer it was 
different, — oh, so different ! 




TOMB OF RICHARD III. 



i6 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD I GENERAL AD- 
MIXTURE OF PRETENDERS, RELIGION, POLITICS, 
AND DISGRUNTLED MONARCHS. 

AS a result of the Bosworth victory, Henry 
^ Tudor obtained the use of the throne from 
1485 to 1509. He saw at once by means 
of an eagle eye that with the house of York so 
popular among his people, nothing but a firm 
hand and eternal vigilance could maintain his 
sovereignty. He kept the young Earl of War- 
wick, son of the Duke of Clarence, carefully in- 
doors with massive iron gewgaws attached to his 
legs, thus teaching him to be backward about 
mingling in the false joys of society. 

Henry Tudor is known to history as Henry VII., 
and caused some adverse criticism by delaying 
his nuptials with the Princess Elizabeth, daughter 
of Edward IV. 

A pleasing practical joke at this time came near 
plunging the country into a bloody war. A rumor 
having gone forth that the Earl of Warwick had 
escaped from the Tower, a priest named Simon 
instructed a good-looking young man-about-town 
182 



DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD. 1 83 

named Lambert Simnel to play the part, landed 
him in Ireland, and proceeded to call for troops. 
Strange to say, in those days almost any pre- 




SIMON, A PRIEST OF OXFORD, TAKES LAMBERT THE PRETENDER TO IRELAND. 

tender with courage stood a good chance of win- 
ning renown or a hospitable grave in this way. But 
Lambert was not made of the material generally 
used in the construction of great men, and, though 
he secured quite an army, and the aid of the Earl 



1 84 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

of Lincoln and many veteran troops, the first bat- 
tle closed the comedy, and the bogus sovereign, 
too contemptible even to occupy the valuable time 
of the hangman, became a scullion in the royal 
kitchen, while Simon was imprisoned. 

For five years things were again dull, but at 
the end of that period an understudy for Richard, 
Duke of York, arose and made pretensions. His 
name was Perkin Warbeck, and though the son 
of a Flemish merchant, he was a great favorite at 
social functions and straw rides. He went to Ire- 
land, where anything in the way of a riot was 
even then hailed with delight, and soon the York 
family and others who cursed the reigning dynasty 
flocked to his standard. 

France endorsed him temporarily until Charles 
became reconciled to Henry, and then he dropped 
Perkin like a heated potato. Perk, however, had 
been well entertained in Paris as the coming 
English king, and while there was not permitted 
to pay for a thing. He now visited the Duchess 
of Burgundy, sister of Edward IV., and made a 
hit at once. She gave him the title of The White 
Rose of England (1493), and he was pleased to 
find himself so popular when he might have 
been measuring molasses in the obscurity of his 
father's store. 

Henry now felt quite mortified that he could 
not produce the evidence of the murder of the 



DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD. 1 85 

two sons of Edward IV., so as to settle this gay 
young pretender ; but he did not succeed in find- 
ing the remains, though they were afterwards dis- 
covered under the staircase of the White Tower, 
and buried in Westminster Abbey, where the floor 
is now paved with epitaphs, and where economy 
and grief are better combined, perhaps, than else- 
where in the world, the floor and tombstone being 
happily united, thus, as it were, killing two birds 
with one stone. 

But how sad it is to-day to contemplate the 
situation occupied by Henry, forced thus to rum- 
mage the kingdom for the dust of two murdered 
princes, that he might, by unearthing a most 
wicked crime, prevent the success of a young 
pretender, and yet fearing to do so lest he might 
call the attention of the police to the royal record 
of homicide, regicide, fratricide, and germicide ! 

Most cruel of all this sad history, perhaps, was 
the execution of Stanley, the king's best friend 
in the past, who had saved his life in battle and 
crowned him at Bosworth. In an unguarded 
moment he had said that were he sure the young 
man was as he claimed. King Edward's son, he — 
Stanley — would not fight against him. For this 
purely unpartisan remark he yielded up his noble 
life in 1495. 

Warbeck for some time went about trying to 

organize cheap insurrections, with poor success 

16* 



1 86 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

until he reached Scotland, where James IV. en- 
dorsed him, and told him to have his luggage sent 
up to the castle. James also presented his sister 
Catherine as a spouse to the giddy young scion 
of the Flemish calico counter. James also as- 
sisted Perkin, his new brother-in-law, in an inva- 
sion of England, which failed, after which the 
pretender gave himself up. He was hanged 
amid great applause at Tyburn, and the Earl of 
Warwick, with whom he had planned to escape, 
was beheaded at Tower Hill. Thus, in 1499, per- 
ished the last of the Plantagenets of the male 
kind. 

Henry hated war, not because of its cruelty 
and horrors, but because it was expensive. He 
was one of the most parsimonious of kings, and 
often averted war in order to prevent the wear 
and tear on the cannon. He managed to acquire 
two million pounds sterling from the reluctant tax- 
payer, yet no monarch ever received such a uni- 
versal consent when he desired to pass away. If 
any regret was felt anywhere, it was so deftly 
concealed that his death, to all appearance, gave 
general and complete satisfaction. 

After a reign of twenty-four years he was suc- 
ceeded by his second son, Henry, in 1509, the 
elder son, Arthur, having died previously. 

It was during the reign of Henry VII. that John 
and Sebastian Cabot were fitted out and discov- 



DISORDER STILL THE POPULAR FAD. 



187 



ered North America 
in 1497, which paved 
the way for the sub- 
sequent depopula- 
tion of Africa, Italy, 
and Ireland. South 
America had been 
discovered the year 
before by Columbus. 
Henry VII. was also 
the father of the 
English navy. 

The accession of 
Henry VIII. was now 
hailed with great re- 
joicing. He was 
but eighteen years 
of age, but hand- 
some and smart. 
He soon married 
Catherine of Ara- 
gon, the widow of 
his brother Arthur. She was six years his senior, 
and he had been betrothed to her under duress at 
his eleventh year. 

A very fine snap-shot reproduction of Henry 
VIII. and Catherine in holiday attire, from an old 
daguerreotype in the author's possession, will be 
found upon the following page. 




A RELUCTANT TAX-PAYER. 



1 88 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

Henry VIII. ordered his father's old lawyers, 
Empson and Dudley, tried and executed for being 
too diligent in business. He sent an army to 
recover the lost English possessions in France, 
but in this was unsuccessful. He then deter- 
mined to organize a larger force, and so he sent 
to Calais fifty thousand men, where they were 




HENRY Vin. AND CATHERINE. 



joined by Maximilian. In the battle which soon 
followed with the French cavalry, they lost their 
habitual sa7ig-froid and most of their hand-bag- 
gage in a wild and impetuous flight. It is still 
called the Battle of the Spurs. This was in 1 5 1 3. 
In the report of the engagement sent to the 
king, nothing was said of the German emperor 
for the reason, as was said by the commander, 
"that he does not desire notice, and, in fact. Max- 



190 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

imilian objections to the use of his name." This 
remark still furnishes food for thought on rainy 
days at Balmoral, and makes the leaden hours go 
gayly by. 

During the year 15 13 the Scots invaded Eng- 
land under James, but though their numbers were 
superior, they were sadly defeated at Flodden 
Field, and when the battle was over their king 
and the flower of their nobility lay dead upon the 
scene. 

Wolsey, who was made cardinal in 1 5 1 5 by the 
Pope, held a tremendous influence over the young 
king, and indirectly ruled the country. He osten- 
sibly presented a humble demeanor, but in his 
innermost soul he was the haughtiest human 
being- that ever concealed beneath the cloak of 
humility an inflexible, tough, and durable heart. 

On the death of Maximilian, Henry had some 
notion of preempting the vacant throne, but soon 
discovered that Charles V. of Spain had a prior 
lien to the same, and thus, in 1520, this new 
potentate became the greatest power in the civil- 
ized world. It is hard to believe in the nineteenth 
or twentieth century that Spain ever had any in- 
fluence with anybody of sound mind, but such the 
veracious historian tells us was once the case. 

Francis, the French king, was so grieved and 
mortified over the success of his Spanish rival 
that he turned to Henry for comfort, and at 




THE FIELD OF THE CLOTH OF GOLD. 



192 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

Calais the two disgruntled monarchs spent a 
fortnight jousting, tourneying, in-falling, out-fall- 
ing, merry-making, swashbuckling, and general 
acute gastritis. 

It was a magnificent meeting, however, Wolsey 
acting as costumer, and was called " The Field 
of the Cloth of Gold." Large, portly men with 
whiskers wore purple velvet opera-cloaks trimmed 
with fur, and Gainsborough hats with ostrich feath- 
ers worth four pounds apiece (sterling). These 
corpulent warriors, who at Calais shortly before 
had run till overtaken by nervous prostration and 
general debility, now wore more millinery and 
breastpins and slashed velvet and satin facings 
and tinsel than the most successful and highly 
painted and decorated courtesans of that period. 

The treaty here made with so much pyrotech- 
nical display and eclat and hand-embroidery was 
soon broken, Charles having caught the ear of 
Wolsey with a promise of the papal throne upon 
the death of Leo X., which event he joyfully 
anticipated. 

Henry, in 1521, scored a triumph and earned 
the title of Defender of the Faith by writing a 
defence of Catholicism in answer to an article 
written by Martin Luther attacking it. Leo died 
soon after, and, much to the chagrin of Wolsey, 
was succeeded by Adrian VI. 

War was now waged with France by the new 




HENRY WRITES A TREATISE IN DEFENCE OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. 



194 HISTORY OF ENGLAND. 

alliance of Spain and England; but success waited 
not upon the English arms, while, worse than all, 
the king was greatly embarrassed for want of more 
scudii. Nothing can be more pitiful, perhaps, than 
a shabby king waiting till all his retainers have 
gone away before he dare leave the throne, fear- 
ing that his threadbare retreat may not be pro- 
tected. Henry tried to wring something from 
Parliament, but without success, even aided by 
that practical apostle of external piety and in- 
ternal intrigue, Wolsey. The latter, too, had a 
second bitter disappointment in the election of 
Clement VII. to succeed Adrian, and as this was 
easily traced to the chicanery of the emperor, 
who had twice promised the portfolio of pontiff 
to Wolsey, the latter determined to work up 
another union between Henry and France in 

1523. 

War, however, continued for some time with 

Francis, till, in 1525, he was defeated and taken 

prisoner. This gave Henry a chance to figure 

with the queen regent, the mother of Francis, 

and a pleasant treaty was made in 1526. The 

Pope, too, having been captured by the emperor, 

Henry and Francis agreed to release and restore 

him or perish on the spot. Quite a well-written 

and beguiling account of this alliance, together 

with the Anne Boleyn affair, will be found in the 

succeeding chapter. 



APPENDIX. 



WHILE Mr. Nye was prevented from writing 
by illness, the artist proceeded with the 
drawing of subjects which would obviously need 
to be illustrated in the progress of the history. 

As the pictures so made are quite numerous, 
and have merit and humor of their own, indepen- 
dently of the text, they will doubtless be appre- 
ciated by readers of the work, for whose benefit 
they have been inserted in the following pages. 



m 




HENRY VIII. PLUNDBRING THE CHURCHES AND MONASTERIES OF THEIR POSSESSIONS. 




AFTER THE DEATH OP JANB SEYMOUR, HENRY VIII. TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO THE 
SELECTION OF A NEW QUEEN, DECIDING ON ANNE OF CLEVES, A PROTESTANT PRIN- 
CESS WITH WHOSE PORTRAIT HE HAD BEEN HIGHLY PLEASED. THE ORIGINAL SO 
GREATLY DISAPPOINTED HIM THAT HE SOON DIVORCED HER. 




EDWARD VI., SUCCESSOR To HENRY VIII., ^TAT. TEN YEARS, WHOSE ATTENTION TO 
HIS STUDIES AND THE GENTLENESS OF HIS DISPOSITION MADE HIM MUCH BE- 
LOVED (1547-53)- 




QUEEN ELIZABETH (1558-1603). 




SIK WALTEK RALEIGH. 




yUEBN ELIZABETH SIGNING THE DBATH-WARRANT OF MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS, 1587. 




DEATH OF QUEEN ELIZABETH. MARCH 24, 1603. FOR TEN DAYS PREVIOUS TO HER DEATH SHE LAY 
UPON THE FLOOR SUPPORTED BY CUSHIONS. 




EFFIGY OF GUY FAWKES. 




THE SCOTCH COULD NOT ENDURE ARCHBISHOP LAUD's RITUALISTIC PRACTICES, 
AND JENNY GEDDES THKEW A STOOL AT HIS HEAD. 




SIR WALTER RALEIGH, AT HIS EXECUTION, ASKED TO EXAMINE THE AXE. KB POISED IT, AND 
RUNNING HIS THUMB ALONG THE EDGE, SAID, WITH A SMILE, " THIS IS SHARP MEDICINE," 
ETC. (1618). 







PRINCE CHARLES AND BUCKINGHAM TRAVEL TO SPAIN IN DISGUISE, SO THAT THE FORMER MIGHT 
PAY HIS ADDRESSES IN PERSON TO THE INFANTA. 



f-^^.»nA 




CHARLES I. FORCED TO GIVE HIS ASSENT TO THE " PETITION OF RIGHTS" (1628) 



OLIVER CKOMWELL. 




EARL OF STRAFFORn RECEIVING LAUD'S BLESSING ON THE WAY TO EXECUTION (1641). 




CHARLES n. CONCEALED IN THE " ROYAL OAK," WHILE HIS PURSUERS PASSED 
UNDER HIM (1651). 




OLIVER CROMWELL IN DISSOLVING PARLIAMENT SEIZED THE MACE, EXCLAIMING 
" TAKE AWAY THIS bauble!" (1653.; ' 







GENERAL BANKRUPTCY AND RUIN FOLLOWED THE CLOSING OF THE EXCHEQUER OR 
TREASURY BY CHARLES II. (167a). 




CHARLES II. 




DUKE OF MONMOUTH IMPLORING FORGIVENESS OF JAMES II. (1685). 




THE DEATH OF MARY REVIVED THE HOPES OF THE FRIENDS OF JAMES II., AND 
CONSPIRACIES WERE FORMED. 




DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH. 




GEORGE FOX. 



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